As of late

As of late, I’ve come to realize days that I used to count individually have flown by in a blur. The numbers of which are a faint memory to me.  Days and weeks are now weeks and months.  The once highly painful rhythmic beat of my heart has returned to a dull, low roar, seemingly still in its present state.  Boarded up, newly secure and healed.  A wonderfully blank and open slate lies before me.  As I walk and at times prance forward on fresh ground like walking through an undisturbed field of snow.  The prints left are my own now.  The steps evident in a swirling pattern of freedom in my own company.  The amount of peace and joy I hold now is more then I’ve held in far more than a year with him.  It surprised me at first. And then I found myself wishing I had made that step myself and sooner.  A step to a better me. To a solitary state. To enjoy the simple bits of life and of not knowing what each gloriously diverse day will bring.  I find it ironic how the things that were once of negative concern are no more.  I feel at peace for the moments being. A feeling I had long since forgotten.  Though the world crumbles around me daily and I reflect on life’s joys and defeats; I am reassured that this is where I am supposed to be.  And what’s more, is I’ve never been so sure of the ledge that I stand on and that the next leap is yet to come. Whatever that leap may be, it will be bigger, louder, and have such a grandeur as I have not yet seen. And that, dear reader, gives me more hope than I thought I would have at this point in my life.  This forward motion may hurt and burn our bodies, but wouldn’t it not be moving forward if it were to not? 

I need to be honest with you

I feel I should be honest with you. Whoever you are, that is reading this. Well.. honest with you and with myself.

Of course break ups are rough. Well for most of us anyways. And for me, I think, it's gotten easier as I've gotten older with one exception. This last one.

This last one was unexpected, shocking, eye opening, infuriating, relieving, and plain stupid. It's been hard and horrible some days and sometimes its just a moment or two that has me full of rage and irritation. Other times, its wonderful. I don't have to put up with his bullsh*t and deep rooted problems. I can go were I want to and watch what I'd like. I can once again, think guys are hot or cute and not feel bad about it. Maybe these things make me terrible. Maybe these things make me an open, honest human.

This one was.. painful. Before him, I couldn't, personally, understand how people would want to be married or want to stay with someone for a long time. This was my thought, only because I had never found someone that I thought fit me so well, and I him. Well, evidently, I was wrong. Well, so was everyone. .. .. ..

I know with practically all break ups, no one can fully understand what you're going through. Sympathy, comfort and distraction from friends are sure signs of 'understanding.' For that's what you need to start to get through this. To feel out how your life will now be. Become familiar with it. And, in time, enjoy it and wonder why you where so hung up on that tiny man in the first place.

I know I'm not there just yet, but I can feel it is near. I'm trying to stay positive about everything. And for the most part I do. Which helps. Optimism helps. And honestly, I'm not that good at it most of the time. There are moments of irritation as random, detailed moments from my, seemingly, previous life flash back from the depths of my memory.  And, as a dear friend keeps telling me, it is ok to revile in those moments of being down. It's part of the healing process. It's in several of the steps I believe. (Unfortunately,) some restraint needs to be brought to that pity party so that you can move on.

So, with that, what follows is my way of un-attaching or distracting myself from that long term irritation. First, I have to get over the mental block, then the physical apathy..

It's not always bad, but when those moments sneak up on me and darken my sky, these things help.

Mental Block:
My 'list of what this change really means to my life now':-I don't have to be suppressed by him any more
-I can go out when I want instead of sitting in because he won't go out.
-I can find guys attractive and not be ashamed of it
-Flirting is back on the table
-I don't have to act like everything is alright when it's not
-I can truly be happy now
-I don't feel ashamed about having emotions
-I don't have to have a reason for going out
-I can hangout with my friends more
-I don't have to worry about his dislike for family heirlooms (my family has a good amount)
-I can date and have drinks with people
-I don't have to hear the same political rants three plus times a week
-I only have to deal with my crazy extended family
-I can wear what I like without getting a look
-Halloween will be awesome again! (I seriously love Halloween)
-I can celebrating holidays again
-Listening to pop/club/alternative (whatever I like) music without having him say "I really don't like this song" every third song.
-Knowing that those close to me, don't and won't suppress important things like he did
-Not feeling bad about being excited about things
-Making plans because I'm excited and hopeful

Now, for the physical apathy:
Activities:
-Sewing
-Reading
-Praying
-Cross words and those types of games (yes the simplicity helps)
-Blaring music
-Imagining how happy I will be (maybe this sounds 'little girl' ish, but allowing yourself to think of happier times in the future, something to look forward to does help)
-Painting
-TV
-Cooking
-Shopping

I hope, in my honesty, I can continue to heal and grow from this event. I hope that if you are in any similar situation, that this may inspire you or give you a glimmer of hope.

As I've said many times, and will continue to say,

"It sucks right now. It really does. But it will be over soon. Something else will come. And it will be ok."

My “Done with College” Reading List for the New Year

I feel like I might be able to start reading again for my own pleasure. Throughout the whole year too! In the past few years the only times I have picked up non educational books have been during summer break when I wasn’t at my various part time jobs or on occasion during Thanksgiving break.  These books started with a few extra design / community / nature preservation driven books that I had wanted to read during the previous semester but never got too. My intentions were high but they slowly were overcome with a more humorous, light hearted reads like one of Chelsea Handler’s books. One summer, I read all of her books. I couldn’t help it; the easy read, funny yet twisted take on life and happenings in her life and family. They were a great escape from my ‘normal’ more serious reads. 


Anyways. I feel that I may have more time to read. And read books! I actively read articles and random bits online. And since working on my thesis project, I’ve slowly become addicted or conditioned myself to writing and reading almost daily now. I’m sure life will catch up to my optimistic thoughts of being able to read all the time. Or my cat, Boo, will try to hide my book with her fluffiness. Really, this is a problem. She’s been known to lay on my cell phone and/or keys making me late for various appointments because she doesn’t want me to leave. 

Regardless, here are a few of the books I hope to read in the next few months. 

 Esme of Paris by Esme Davis, 1944

The Monuments Men. Allied Heroes, Nazi Thieves, and the Greatest Treasure Hunt in History. by Robert M. Edsel, 2009 (not pictured, it's in transit) 

Unfinished Tales by J.R.R. Tolkien, 1980

The Machine in the Garden. Technology and the Pastoral Ideal in America by Leo Marx, 1964

The Nature Principle. Reconnecting with Life in a Virtual Age by Richard Louv, 2012

Bittersweet, thoughts on change, grace and learning the hard way by Shauna Niequist, 2010

People and Nature, An Introduction to Human Ecological Relations, by Emilio F. Moran, 2006

The Granite Garden, Urban Nature and Human Design. by Anne Whiston Spirn, 1984

Landscape Traveled by Coyote and Crane. The World of the Schitsu’umsh (Coeur d’Alene Indians) by Rodney Frey in collaboration with The Schitsu’umsh, 2005

The Last of the Few. The Battle of Britain in the Words of the Pilots who Won it. by Max Arthur, 2010

Firstly, I need to finish my current book, which I started this summer and ashamedly still haven’t finished; Esme of Paris.  I found it at a thrift store and fell in love with it. I originally didn’t intend on reading it as I love to collect vintage books. But something about it just took over and I couldn’t help it. If you’re able to find a copy, I highly recommend it. It’s a first person account of a gypsy girl’s life in the early 1900’s and its fabulously detailed with historic happenings, places and name drops. I’ve been enjoying googling the people and things she talks about. So really, for me, this book has been a mini history lesson.

I realized this list isn't as intense as I thought it would be, and then I realized it's because the other books I'd love to read I don't own yet. So, at least this is a start. I also have digital copies of Alice in Wonderland and The Three Musketeers that I'd like to read as well.  

Also, I found (this top ten list) of best books in urban planning, design and development published in 2013. Most of these look like good reads too. So, if I'm hyper successful with the aforementioned books, then I plan on moving on to some books from this list.

It's been a little over a week now.

Since my world did a reverse 1 1/2 somersaults, 2 1/2 twists in the free position and dove into a pool of confusion driven rage and abandonment.  My newly single status was brought to me abruptly. And after much reflection and consultation with close, now aggravated friends, I feel my new status was a product of fear, commitment issues and deep emotion disruption.


For me, the time since the event, has opened my eyes to several items I didn't know needed addressing. One of which, being that I didn't realize how messed up the people closest to you can be without letting you know. About half of our relationship, he locked me out, suppressing his feelings and issues that we should have been addressing.  Another, being how much he was suppressing me and my dreams. Something I knew little of and had been dramatically overlooking for over a year. A third, his inconsistency. Not liking if I stood up for myself and not liking when I did. I know a lot comes to light when a relationship is over. I was under the impression that we were open with each other and willing to work through our issues and problems because our love was enough of a cause to fight for. And I was terribly wrong. We weren't. I was. I was willing. And apparently that was too much.


My dad told me a story that has helped me through the initial part of my recovery:
" When I got back from over seas, everyone thought I was much older than I was. I was in my late 20's and everyone thought I was late 30's - 40's. Anyways, the Marine corps ball was coming up. And a bunch of the guys didn't have dates yet. One eighteen year old asked me if I had a daughter. I replied with, 'yes I do.' He asked me if I thought that she'd go with him to the ball. I said, 'well, she might be a little mature for you.' 'How old is she?' he asked me.  I said 'Oh, she's 4.' And everyone burst out laughing."

And he told me, "Sweetie, I just think you're too mature for him." with a chuckle. I don't know if it's true. But it really does feel that way right now.


I'd like to hope that I'm the only one in this situation at this time, even though I know I can't be. I don't wish this inner turmoil on anyone. Whatever disruption has broken your routine in life, I'm sorry. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I hope at some time, you and I both can look back at these moments of mental and emotional upheaval and see how it has changed us for the better.


P.S.
I've already been asked out. And I honestly don't know how I feel about starting to date again. I haven't been single in a long time. I don't really know how to start. I feel weird now when guys chat me up. Before I just ignored it, was polite and continued with my business. Now, I guess, I have options. Which is a new and slightly terrifying change of pace for me.

New Year’s Resolutions for 2014

This year, I’m actually doing a New Year’s list before the year even starts. And I’m super cereal about it too.  As a disclaimer, my list is part resolution list and part rest of life list. The future and long term ones will be denoted with an *.

So in no particular order (even though for some reason I numbered them):

1. Sing more in the shower. (When I sing in the shower, it's because I'm very happy. So more singing in the shower equates to more happiness.)

2. Relearn French (I’ve already downloaded several apps for this!)

3. Become more organized, i.e. notebook/sketchbook organization, one for quilting/sewing and one for blog stuff, etc.

4. Create a workout schedule and actually keep it! (I’ve failed this one many times in the past – three months is about when I get lazy and stop)

5. Start an Etsy shop. I’ve had this dream for about two years now and I should really just get on it.

6. Be nicer to my parents. After all they put up with me, and I’m rather moody and emotional at times. And that can’t be easy to put up with.

7. Finish the quilts I start. Or break my habit of starting a quilt getting about half way done or so with the top and then move on to the next quilt. I'd like to, generally, limit it to three quilts in progress at a time.

8. Donate to charities more.

9. Do more volunteer work. Like seriously, more of it. It needs to be done now!

10. Paint more.

11. Cry less. (If you know me personally, you know this will be a major thing for me to overcome.)

12. Learn German. *

13. Learn Sign Language. *

14. Learn to knit or crochet. *

15. Learn how to can. *

16. Be less judgmental  of people.

17. Take more pictures.

18. Read my Bible regularly.

19. Start a blog. (HA! done!)

20. Actively maintain blog (touche, self)

21. Learn how to play the piano *

22. Start experimenting / learning  how to sew / create clothes; design and construction *

23. Contribute to local food drives and charities, actively / annually 

24. Start a Charity or Scholarship foundation * (I actually have the names and goals already figured  out.. now just to be successful enough to get them started) 

25. Read more. (Actual books too! More to come about this.)

26. Become successful in whatever employment direction I end up in. (*)

27. (An over used on, but a good one) Travel more. Even if it's simply to cities and areas near me that I've never been. There's more than a few countries that I'd love to see, but in general I'd love to be traveling and seeing new places.

Starting to deal with a broken heart..

In light of a sudden and traumatic breakup, of which I may or may not go into depth on in a future post, I would like to reflect on the good things that are present in my life. That's right, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and in attempts to revive it, or more likely, grow a new one... here it goes:

- I am grateful for my parents' strength. Their strength in each other and in dealing with / helping me get through this.

- I'm thankful that I'm getting to know my father more. He's opened up quite a bit in the last few days. (He's been a rock and a giant teddy bear for me.)

- I read a short article on Malala Yousafzai, and I am so grateful for her strength and composer. She is only 16 and has gone through more than I could ever imagine. Her life and how she handles herself is such an inspiration. My troubles are so little compared to hers, I am so thankful.

- I am grateful for the fire place and a full woodshed. It is much warmer here then in Idaho, but I am a lover of the warmth.

- I'm grateful that I'm not crying all day, every day.

- As much as I feel abandoned, by the one person I had at once seen myself spending the rest of my life with.. I'm hoping that there is a strong man out there, somewhere, with a heart of compassion that's waiting for me. I'm grateful that I may yet still find him.

- I'm grateful for my two closest and oldest friends who have been helping me through this.

-I'm grateful for my cat, Boo. I know, kinda weird, but she's a comfort to me. A small mirror of emotions, love and personality.  Her fluff and sass light up my daily events.

- I'm grateful for quilts - the warmth, color and texture are a comfort.

- I'm grateful for books - their insight and escape are a great outlet.

- I'm grateful for the much warmer winter weather. Yes, I've come to enjoy the snow, but I have missed the rain quite terribly.

- I'm grateful that I currently don't have a job. I know if I did, my work would probably be suffering because of this.

- I'm grateful for the random meows and purrs from the cats. Their innocents and simplicity delight me.

- I'm grateful that I've been able to sleep at night, even though I've lost my appetite. I know without sleep this would be much worse.

- I'm grateful I'm still young.

- I'm grateful that I still, somewhat, feel like myself.

- I'm grateful I have New Years Eve plans with an old friend.

- I'm grateful this year is almost over and a new fresh start is upon us all.

- I'm grateful for anyone reading this. I hope this gives you encouragement in whatever trails you may be going through.

- I'm thankful for God not abandoning me throughout the course of my life. Only through His strength have I made it this far.  And only through it still will I get through this.

The Graduation Day.

The Day before Graduation:

For my bachelors, I didn’t attend graduation. I thought it was stupid, honestly, considering I would be returning in the fall to start graduate school.  So I figured it would be appropriate for me to attend and walk in graduation for my masters. I also wanted some closure. In not walking after my bachelors, I never felt like that portion of my life ‘ended’. Here I’d like to start afresh, if at least mentally. My parents and grandparents on my dad’s side are coming into town. And the boyfriend’s parents are coming now too.  Reservations are made. And people are supposed to be showing up with 2 hours or so. Right now I’m not feeling nervous, which I think is a little weird, but I’m definitely ok with it. I suppose those feelings will come tomorrow with the actual graduation ceremony and my family actually spending time with the boyfriend’s parents.

The Day of Graduation:

I've become somewhat of an insomniac over the course of this last semester. And yes, I really mean that, I looked it up on webmd one night, out of curiosity,  that I couldn’t fall asleep. Kind of fitting huh? Anyways, last time I looked at the clock, it was 1 something AM and when I woke up it was 4:43. I thought oh yeah, today’s going to be awesome, it’s graduation day, I barely slept and there will be family members everywhere! But I was up and that was that. We were to meet at 7:30 for breakfast so I just took my time getting ready.  So after curling my hair all fancy like (ha), the parents and grandparents and I went to breakfast. I realized soon that it was going to be a rough day when sitting waiting for my Belgian waffles I wanted to crawl under the table and take a nap.  The next realization was when we went to a few stores to kill time and Papa, the grandfather, asked me if my feet hurt. They didn’t but I knew they would. And they do! I spent the whole day in heels and hadn’t done that since presentations last May. Needless to say, the dogs were barking.  The day itself was nice, 35 degrees, which felt warm as the previous week had a few days dipping into the negative.  Anyways, I feel like I’m rambling in my tiredness. Graduation itself was a good blur.  Lots of hope and promise.  I befriended two geologists majors while lined up behind the curtain before it all started.  They were nice, rather nerdy guys, but I was grateful to talk to someone; mainly to calm my nerves and also to keep me from making an ‘ignore the man behind the curtain’ joke. (Yes, Gma, the three tapes of Wizard of Oz you gave us when I was little have stuck with me.)

The emotions I thought I would have didn’t come to me. I, luckily, didn’t even cry at the singing of The Star Spangled Banner. This song usually brings at least a tear to my eye regardless of my mood and luckily my eyes only watered a bit. After getting the ‘diploma’ and shaking hands and picture taking, I sat and watched the rest of my class in their happiness. And I was genuinely happy, for about ten people. Then all of a sudden, the emotion drained from my body. Super quick like, similar to when you get a head rush from standing up too fast. I felt very neutral and content as the nervousness left me. And in that neutral content stage, I became aware of how tired I was. I really wanted to some how power nap through the rest of it, as terrible at that might be.  And I thought that was all there was to the extreme range of emotions. But, oh, I was wrong. Before dinner, I was super grouchy. I get that way when I’m really hungry and really tired. It’s very reminiscent of a hungry, tired child if I let it go long enough. It is easily destroyed with food which it was with Neapolitan pizza and wine. Also, with the boyfriend there to calm me down helped a lot too. He’s very calming to me, almost like saying ‘gooooose-fraaah-baaah.’  He makes me smile and feel comforted. After diner, after saying goodnight to everyone, after I was safe in my room, the feelings snuck up on me again. I was safe until i checked facebook. I know possibly a major mistake. All of the well wishes and congratulations where just so wonderful and sweet. I was really happy. Like happier than I am on my birthday when people wish me happy birthday. And then they came. I just started crying from happiness and slight shock. Another period of my life had closed. A five and a half years of uphill battles, confusion, separation, aggravation, happiness, tears, ice, snow, blazing hot summers, papers and endless projects are now over. It was all a little terrifying for me. It was also incredibly relieving.

When I was younger, like middle school even, I knew I’d go to college. That was never a question. I wanted to go to college so I could take care of myself and my family. So that the struggles I witnessed my parents going through all my life, I wouldn’t have to.  And that’s as far as my little brain ever planned for. So now that it’s all done and over. I’ve been having, at first, a hell of a time figuring out my next steps. I’d like to think that everything happens for a reason. Big statement from a tiny person, I know. But I really do think so. I think I don’t have it figured out just yet is a good thing. I possibly need a buffer to decompress and sort things. Possibly there’s something bigger out there. Some new mountain to climb and I need to rest my bones before starting that.

(I'd include pictures at this point, but I actually don't have any as the mother took all the photos and then never gave me digital copies before she left today. Maybe later some day I'll update this wordy thang with your typical post graduation photos.)

And so goes the job hunt, with an overworked brain.

In my current job hunt, I seem to be finding three types of jobs. This is how, after a few months of job hunting paralleling my school endeavors, my over worked brain sees most job postings.  And yes, this may be a bit of a dramatization.

1) The ‘over your head’ job:

Must have Masters in (insert fancy degree here) or Doctrine in similar field and 2-3 years experience

Or

Masters and 2 years experience

Or

Bachelors in a related field and 4-5 years of experience

Facilitation and Direction of Overseeing insights and municipal budgeting of hazardous impact zone experience is required. (insert other long confusing descriptive sentences that really don’t pin point things, but they’re important too.)

(This job seems way over your head. And pays a lot of money. A LOT. Maybe one day you’ll get there. Maybe one day you won’t. But today, definitely isn’t that day.)

2) The ‘one you possibly could stretch to fit into’ or ‘could actually do’ job:

Must have Bachelors in a related field and 2-3 years experience

Or

Masters in (insert fancy degree here) or related field

Or

3-4 years experience or 2-3 years experience

Great people skills a plus!

Can you use multi-phone system and operate word? Apply today!

(This job seems do-able and possibly even fun or right up your alley! Pays ok to well. Ok, it pays more than that, you’re out of a job right now.)

3) The ‘you didn’t need to waste your time and money at college’ job:

High school diploma or GED required.

2 years + experience in related field is a plus!

Serving experience and excellent customer service is a plus!

(This job seems like a part time job. It seems like a job that possibly won’t destroy what’s left of your mind or emotional capability of handling yourself properly in public.. But then again, you’ve probably thought that about almost every job you applied for or gotten. But it seems nice. And nice sounds amazing.)

And while any of these jobs I would be grateful to have, since I am unemployed, I have no clue what would actually be happening at most of these jobs. The problem with most job descriptions / requirements is I have no idea if I’m wasting my time and theirs with most of these applications. I feel under qualified or over qualified and I’m searching for that happy medium. Where requirements meet reality and there’s still room to grow. That’s what I’d like to find. I’m sure something close to it or a stepping stone to getting there will come up eventually. I’m trying to stay positive in a sometimes dreary search for employment. If you’re in the market for a job, I’m sure these descriptions, with a few tweaks, sound familiar. To me, sometimes, they seem to start blurring together into a big joke that the internet itself has put on the web for its humorous advantage alone. Or possibly that’s the sleep deprivation talking.

On a super positive note, I got the radiator to pump out warm air instead of cold air for once.