I need to be honest with you

I feel I should be honest with you. Whoever you are, that is reading this. Well.. honest with you and with myself.

Of course break ups are rough. Well for most of us anyways. And for me, I think, it's gotten easier as I've gotten older with one exception. This last one.

This last one was unexpected, shocking, eye opening, infuriating, relieving, and plain stupid. It's been hard and horrible some days and sometimes its just a moment or two that has me full of rage and irritation. Other times, its wonderful. I don't have to put up with his bullsh*t and deep rooted problems. I can go were I want to and watch what I'd like. I can once again, think guys are hot or cute and not feel bad about it. Maybe these things make me terrible. Maybe these things make me an open, honest human.

This one was.. painful. Before him, I couldn't, personally, understand how people would want to be married or want to stay with someone for a long time. This was my thought, only because I had never found someone that I thought fit me so well, and I him. Well, evidently, I was wrong. Well, so was everyone. .. .. ..

I know with practically all break ups, no one can fully understand what you're going through. Sympathy, comfort and distraction from friends are sure signs of 'understanding.' For that's what you need to start to get through this. To feel out how your life will now be. Become familiar with it. And, in time, enjoy it and wonder why you where so hung up on that tiny man in the first place.

I know I'm not there just yet, but I can feel it is near. I'm trying to stay positive about everything. And for the most part I do. Which helps. Optimism helps. And honestly, I'm not that good at it most of the time. There are moments of irritation as random, detailed moments from my, seemingly, previous life flash back from the depths of my memory.  And, as a dear friend keeps telling me, it is ok to revile in those moments of being down. It's part of the healing process. It's in several of the steps I believe. (Unfortunately,) some restraint needs to be brought to that pity party so that you can move on.

So, with that, what follows is my way of un-attaching or distracting myself from that long term irritation. First, I have to get over the mental block, then the physical apathy..

It's not always bad, but when those moments sneak up on me and darken my sky, these things help.

Mental Block:
My 'list of what this change really means to my life now':-I don't have to be suppressed by him any more
-I can go out when I want instead of sitting in because he won't go out.
-I can find guys attractive and not be ashamed of it
-Flirting is back on the table
-I don't have to act like everything is alright when it's not
-I can truly be happy now
-I don't feel ashamed about having emotions
-I don't have to have a reason for going out
-I can hangout with my friends more
-I don't have to worry about his dislike for family heirlooms (my family has a good amount)
-I can date and have drinks with people
-I don't have to hear the same political rants three plus times a week
-I only have to deal with my crazy extended family
-I can wear what I like without getting a look
-Halloween will be awesome again! (I seriously love Halloween)
-I can celebrating holidays again
-Listening to pop/club/alternative (whatever I like) music without having him say "I really don't like this song" every third song.
-Knowing that those close to me, don't and won't suppress important things like he did
-Not feeling bad about being excited about things
-Making plans because I'm excited and hopeful

Now, for the physical apathy:
Activities:
-Sewing
-Reading
-Praying
-Cross words and those types of games (yes the simplicity helps)
-Blaring music
-Imagining how happy I will be (maybe this sounds 'little girl' ish, but allowing yourself to think of happier times in the future, something to look forward to does help)
-Painting
-TV
-Cooking
-Shopping

I hope, in my honesty, I can continue to heal and grow from this event. I hope that if you are in any similar situation, that this may inspire you or give you a glimmer of hope.

As I've said many times, and will continue to say,

"It sucks right now. It really does. But it will be over soon. Something else will come. And it will be ok."

Starting to deal with a broken heart..

In light of a sudden and traumatic breakup, of which I may or may not go into depth on in a future post, I would like to reflect on the good things that are present in my life. That's right, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and in attempts to revive it, or more likely, grow a new one... here it goes:

- I am grateful for my parents' strength. Their strength in each other and in dealing with / helping me get through this.

- I'm thankful that I'm getting to know my father more. He's opened up quite a bit in the last few days. (He's been a rock and a giant teddy bear for me.)

- I read a short article on Malala Yousafzai, and I am so grateful for her strength and composer. She is only 16 and has gone through more than I could ever imagine. Her life and how she handles herself is such an inspiration. My troubles are so little compared to hers, I am so thankful.

- I am grateful for the fire place and a full woodshed. It is much warmer here then in Idaho, but I am a lover of the warmth.

- I'm grateful that I'm not crying all day, every day.

- As much as I feel abandoned, by the one person I had at once seen myself spending the rest of my life with.. I'm hoping that there is a strong man out there, somewhere, with a heart of compassion that's waiting for me. I'm grateful that I may yet still find him.

- I'm grateful for my two closest and oldest friends who have been helping me through this.

-I'm grateful for my cat, Boo. I know, kinda weird, but she's a comfort to me. A small mirror of emotions, love and personality.  Her fluff and sass light up my daily events.

- I'm grateful for quilts - the warmth, color and texture are a comfort.

- I'm grateful for books - their insight and escape are a great outlet.

- I'm grateful for the much warmer winter weather. Yes, I've come to enjoy the snow, but I have missed the rain quite terribly.

- I'm grateful that I currently don't have a job. I know if I did, my work would probably be suffering because of this.

- I'm grateful for the random meows and purrs from the cats. Their innocents and simplicity delight me.

- I'm grateful that I've been able to sleep at night, even though I've lost my appetite. I know without sleep this would be much worse.

- I'm grateful I'm still young.

- I'm grateful that I still, somewhat, feel like myself.

- I'm grateful I have New Years Eve plans with an old friend.

- I'm grateful this year is almost over and a new fresh start is upon us all.

- I'm grateful for anyone reading this. I hope this gives you encouragement in whatever trails you may be going through.

- I'm thankful for God not abandoning me throughout the course of my life. Only through His strength have I made it this far.  And only through it still will I get through this.