It's been a little over a week now.

Since my world did a reverse 1 1/2 somersaults, 2 1/2 twists in the free position and dove into a pool of confusion driven rage and abandonment.  My newly single status was brought to me abruptly. And after much reflection and consultation with close, now aggravated friends, I feel my new status was a product of fear, commitment issues and deep emotion disruption.


For me, the time since the event, has opened my eyes to several items I didn't know needed addressing. One of which, being that I didn't realize how messed up the people closest to you can be without letting you know. About half of our relationship, he locked me out, suppressing his feelings and issues that we should have been addressing.  Another, being how much he was suppressing me and my dreams. Something I knew little of and had been dramatically overlooking for over a year. A third, his inconsistency. Not liking if I stood up for myself and not liking when I did. I know a lot comes to light when a relationship is over. I was under the impression that we were open with each other and willing to work through our issues and problems because our love was enough of a cause to fight for. And I was terribly wrong. We weren't. I was. I was willing. And apparently that was too much.


My dad told me a story that has helped me through the initial part of my recovery:
" When I got back from over seas, everyone thought I was much older than I was. I was in my late 20's and everyone thought I was late 30's - 40's. Anyways, the Marine corps ball was coming up. And a bunch of the guys didn't have dates yet. One eighteen year old asked me if I had a daughter. I replied with, 'yes I do.' He asked me if I thought that she'd go with him to the ball. I said, 'well, she might be a little mature for you.' 'How old is she?' he asked me.  I said 'Oh, she's 4.' And everyone burst out laughing."

And he told me, "Sweetie, I just think you're too mature for him." with a chuckle. I don't know if it's true. But it really does feel that way right now.


I'd like to hope that I'm the only one in this situation at this time, even though I know I can't be. I don't wish this inner turmoil on anyone. Whatever disruption has broken your routine in life, I'm sorry. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I hope at some time, you and I both can look back at these moments of mental and emotional upheaval and see how it has changed us for the better.


P.S.
I've already been asked out. And I honestly don't know how I feel about starting to date again. I haven't been single in a long time. I don't really know how to start. I feel weird now when guys chat me up. Before I just ignored it, was polite and continued with my business. Now, I guess, I have options. Which is a new and slightly terrifying change of pace for me.