It's been a little over a week now.

Since my world did a reverse 1 1/2 somersaults, 2 1/2 twists in the free position and dove into a pool of confusion driven rage and abandonment.  My newly single status was brought to me abruptly. And after much reflection and consultation with close, now aggravated friends, I feel my new status was a product of fear, commitment issues and deep emotion disruption.


For me, the time since the event, has opened my eyes to several items I didn't know needed addressing. One of which, being that I didn't realize how messed up the people closest to you can be without letting you know. About half of our relationship, he locked me out, suppressing his feelings and issues that we should have been addressing.  Another, being how much he was suppressing me and my dreams. Something I knew little of and had been dramatically overlooking for over a year. A third, his inconsistency. Not liking if I stood up for myself and not liking when I did. I know a lot comes to light when a relationship is over. I was under the impression that we were open with each other and willing to work through our issues and problems because our love was enough of a cause to fight for. And I was terribly wrong. We weren't. I was. I was willing. And apparently that was too much.


My dad told me a story that has helped me through the initial part of my recovery:
" When I got back from over seas, everyone thought I was much older than I was. I was in my late 20's and everyone thought I was late 30's - 40's. Anyways, the Marine corps ball was coming up. And a bunch of the guys didn't have dates yet. One eighteen year old asked me if I had a daughter. I replied with, 'yes I do.' He asked me if I thought that she'd go with him to the ball. I said, 'well, she might be a little mature for you.' 'How old is she?' he asked me.  I said 'Oh, she's 4.' And everyone burst out laughing."

And he told me, "Sweetie, I just think you're too mature for him." with a chuckle. I don't know if it's true. But it really does feel that way right now.


I'd like to hope that I'm the only one in this situation at this time, even though I know I can't be. I don't wish this inner turmoil on anyone. Whatever disruption has broken your routine in life, I'm sorry. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I hope at some time, you and I both can look back at these moments of mental and emotional upheaval and see how it has changed us for the better.


P.S.
I've already been asked out. And I honestly don't know how I feel about starting to date again. I haven't been single in a long time. I don't really know how to start. I feel weird now when guys chat me up. Before I just ignored it, was polite and continued with my business. Now, I guess, I have options. Which is a new and slightly terrifying change of pace for me.

The Graduation Day.

The Day before Graduation:

For my bachelors, I didn’t attend graduation. I thought it was stupid, honestly, considering I would be returning in the fall to start graduate school.  So I figured it would be appropriate for me to attend and walk in graduation for my masters. I also wanted some closure. In not walking after my bachelors, I never felt like that portion of my life ‘ended’. Here I’d like to start afresh, if at least mentally. My parents and grandparents on my dad’s side are coming into town. And the boyfriend’s parents are coming now too.  Reservations are made. And people are supposed to be showing up with 2 hours or so. Right now I’m not feeling nervous, which I think is a little weird, but I’m definitely ok with it. I suppose those feelings will come tomorrow with the actual graduation ceremony and my family actually spending time with the boyfriend’s parents.

The Day of Graduation:

I've become somewhat of an insomniac over the course of this last semester. And yes, I really mean that, I looked it up on webmd one night, out of curiosity,  that I couldn’t fall asleep. Kind of fitting huh? Anyways, last time I looked at the clock, it was 1 something AM and when I woke up it was 4:43. I thought oh yeah, today’s going to be awesome, it’s graduation day, I barely slept and there will be family members everywhere! But I was up and that was that. We were to meet at 7:30 for breakfast so I just took my time getting ready.  So after curling my hair all fancy like (ha), the parents and grandparents and I went to breakfast. I realized soon that it was going to be a rough day when sitting waiting for my Belgian waffles I wanted to crawl under the table and take a nap.  The next realization was when we went to a few stores to kill time and Papa, the grandfather, asked me if my feet hurt. They didn’t but I knew they would. And they do! I spent the whole day in heels and hadn’t done that since presentations last May. Needless to say, the dogs were barking.  The day itself was nice, 35 degrees, which felt warm as the previous week had a few days dipping into the negative.  Anyways, I feel like I’m rambling in my tiredness. Graduation itself was a good blur.  Lots of hope and promise.  I befriended two geologists majors while lined up behind the curtain before it all started.  They were nice, rather nerdy guys, but I was grateful to talk to someone; mainly to calm my nerves and also to keep me from making an ‘ignore the man behind the curtain’ joke. (Yes, Gma, the three tapes of Wizard of Oz you gave us when I was little have stuck with me.)

The emotions I thought I would have didn’t come to me. I, luckily, didn’t even cry at the singing of The Star Spangled Banner. This song usually brings at least a tear to my eye regardless of my mood and luckily my eyes only watered a bit. After getting the ‘diploma’ and shaking hands and picture taking, I sat and watched the rest of my class in their happiness. And I was genuinely happy, for about ten people. Then all of a sudden, the emotion drained from my body. Super quick like, similar to when you get a head rush from standing up too fast. I felt very neutral and content as the nervousness left me. And in that neutral content stage, I became aware of how tired I was. I really wanted to some how power nap through the rest of it, as terrible at that might be.  And I thought that was all there was to the extreme range of emotions. But, oh, I was wrong. Before dinner, I was super grouchy. I get that way when I’m really hungry and really tired. It’s very reminiscent of a hungry, tired child if I let it go long enough. It is easily destroyed with food which it was with Neapolitan pizza and wine. Also, with the boyfriend there to calm me down helped a lot too. He’s very calming to me, almost like saying ‘gooooose-fraaah-baaah.’  He makes me smile and feel comforted. After diner, after saying goodnight to everyone, after I was safe in my room, the feelings snuck up on me again. I was safe until i checked facebook. I know possibly a major mistake. All of the well wishes and congratulations where just so wonderful and sweet. I was really happy. Like happier than I am on my birthday when people wish me happy birthday. And then they came. I just started crying from happiness and slight shock. Another period of my life had closed. A five and a half years of uphill battles, confusion, separation, aggravation, happiness, tears, ice, snow, blazing hot summers, papers and endless projects are now over. It was all a little terrifying for me. It was also incredibly relieving.

When I was younger, like middle school even, I knew I’d go to college. That was never a question. I wanted to go to college so I could take care of myself and my family. So that the struggles I witnessed my parents going through all my life, I wouldn’t have to.  And that’s as far as my little brain ever planned for. So now that it’s all done and over. I’ve been having, at first, a hell of a time figuring out my next steps. I’d like to think that everything happens for a reason. Big statement from a tiny person, I know. But I really do think so. I think I don’t have it figured out just yet is a good thing. I possibly need a buffer to decompress and sort things. Possibly there’s something bigger out there. Some new mountain to climb and I need to rest my bones before starting that.

(I'd include pictures at this point, but I actually don't have any as the mother took all the photos and then never gave me digital copies before she left today. Maybe later some day I'll update this wordy thang with your typical post graduation photos.)