A Post Script of sorts

It has been a long weekend. A grumpy weekend. But luckily not a lonely one. Filled with three books, a sequel movie, many an odd conversation, tea and lots of laughter.

I also found this, what follows, written a few months ago.  It was tucked away with numerous personal writings and I had all but forgotten this one unlike its siblings. As is my, apparent, tendency when writing and working on projects, it is marked with the date.  Take from it what you will, as it was written in honesty.

1.28.14

Have you heard that song ‘Stay’ ? its quite amazing. I think it is. Simple, deep, piano, emotion. What more could you ask for?

It’s been playing in my head a lot lately. And the Thirty Seconds to Mars cover of it fully cemented that baby in my head. I sang it in the shower today. A lot. Periodically with a Scottish accent. Which was beautiful, tragic, and painfully delightful.

I don’t want him back. I would like someone though. And since he’s been gone, close friends have come back into my life more than I ever expected.  It’s been a blessing.  In his absence, another man from the past has come into the scene.  Or I should say two or three. Or more. The devil is in the detailing of the numbers for this one.  I have let part of myself be so suppressed, I had forgotten completely about it and how it was part of my life.  

I have crushes again. Normal crushes.  Celebrity crushes. This is bad. Something I haven’t had since middle school or about four years ago when I had a crush on Shawn White and my boyfriend at the time got mad at me for it.  They’re a great distraction from my previous thoughts on love and life.  They bring happy thoughts of ‘cute,’ ‘charming,’ and ‘oh I like that’ on several topics in regards the men.  But they also bring up the idea of a possible future relationship.  This terrifies me as the only man I think I could end up with would, without a question of a doubt, has to be a mountain of man.  At first, I thought, he must not exist. But, if he’s the man, I hope him to be, he must be hiding away, like I am.  And that gives me a spark of hope.  

While dancing amongst the tunes of sparks.. my previous ignorance of not knowing that I had a wanting to find someone to spend the rest of my life has since left me.  Since a young age, when the little old ladies at church would ask me about marriage and how many kids I wanted, I would respond with the same, ‘I don’t know.’ I would respond this way, because I didn’t want that. Any of it. I was 9 and thought it inappropriate for me to be thinking of at the time.  That was for later in life. And I doubted that I’d want anything to do with it then either. And I maintained this thought for a long time. In high school, while in the midst of a long distance love affair, I reconsidered it. If only for a moment. A companion. Someone to share my ups and downs. In person. Then the thought left me again and has yet recently returned.  The smug bastard looking me strait in the eye. As if to say, ‘Hey, remember me from long ago when you dismissed the very idea of me? Thinking yourself too strong to need or want anyone. Being fine by yourself; solitary with yourself, your friends and God? No, no dear. I’ve always been here. Lurking in the back of your heart. Waiting all this time for you to catch up.”   It hit me most recently. A companion to over look their faults and love then endlessly and they the same with me.  A simply complex thought.  That’s all I wanted and I hadn’t known it. Hadn’t known it till him. Hadn’t realized I hadn’t achieved it until I let him break me in a ways I never thought possible.  Which leave us to the present. Alone in a regard that I am not used to.  I realized this snuck up on me like my love of reading and learning.  If only it were so easy to be that illiterate astronaut I had dreamt of being.  If only I hadn’t known of the things that the depths of my heart yearned for. . .

I am the same face as I’ve been before, with the change being that I can see more of my face then before.  A friend suggests to me often that we all are wearing masks in order to live with life.  And the mask is ever yet changing as if we are but actors for the bard himself.  Perhaps that is true. I feel it is not. That instead we continually see more and more of our own face and the character that we embody. 

Regardless of what is true, I realize now that there is another factor of my life that is not yet fulfilled if you will. Luckily, in my mental confusion of this new state of mind, I am in the company of a close friend who has had that same thought in her mind and heart much longer than I have.  Our irritation and confusion is mutual. It continues our sisterly affections, understandings and support of each other.  And for this, I am truly grateful. I could be going through this all on my own. With my mental confusion allowed to prosper, swan dive and pirouette as it pleases.  Luckily, I have her and she I to aid in this transition of life and of love.