Favourite Songs of March '14

March has been an interesting month. Full of ups and downs of all sorts. It's been one of those months, where the very best of remedies seems to be poetry and lots of loud music. So here's a tasting of the music that filled my heart, ears and head this month. Listen away till your heart's content. And don't just listen. Turn up the music loud, as loud as you can stand, and then just a little more. Turn it up to the point where you bristle as the beats encompasses you and numbs your thoughts.

If You Run -by: The Boxer Rebellion 

Pompeii (kat krazy remix) by Bastille

Without Me - by Eminem 

Blow (cirkut remix) by Kesha

M.A.D. - by Hadouken

Thrift Shop - by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis

Lex - by Ratatat

Magic - by Coldplay

Everybody Loves Me - by One Republic

The Space Between - by Dave Mathews Band

Girls Chase Boys - by Ingrid Michaelson 


P.S. Happy Birthday Hil

Books; Updated

As I had stated in my previous post about the various books that I'd love to read this year; many of them I don't own yet or can't find an available copy to sink my eyes into. Or so I thought.. (In fact as I'm writing this, I'm surrounded by books. And my face hurts from smiling.)

Since then, a friend has lent me "Soul of a Lion" by Barbara Bennett, which I'm currently reading...I should say, was and is currently reading..I found four short novels online that I read in the span of two and a half days. They were Norse myth based for the most part, full of emotion and I loved every word of them.

I went through my stacks of books and found several that I've been meaning to read that escaped my notice the previous time I went through them. Such as:
-"Cupid and Psyche" translated by E. J. Kenney (which I apparently started reading as there's an abandoned book mark in it)
-"The Canterbury Tales" by Geoffrey Chaucer  (I have read some parts of it but I've been wanting to read it in its entirety for some time)
-"Vincent by himself" Edited by Bruce Bernard (I believe this and its mate below, were birthday gifts from my best friend 10 ish years ago)
-"Monet by himself" Edited by Richard Kendall
-"Pride and Prejudice" by Jane Austen
-"Persuasion" by Jane Austen
-"100 Best-Loved Poems" Edited by Philip Smith 
-"Frankenstein" by Mary Shelley (I read it in high school but have been meaning to reread it. I absolutely fell in love with it one of the summers I went down to Southern Cali with my best friend and her family.)
-"Modernism in Dispute. Art since the Forties" && "Pioneers of Modern Design" (Two books that were left by a previous boyfriend in college. I know they're "text books" but I have a fondness for art so it can be over looked)

I also found that Esme Davis wrote another book after I had fallen in love with her book "Esme of Paris."

-"Seed of the Serpent" by Esme Davis

To add to it..

The other day, after an extended period of being stubborn about it, I finally clicked on the 'Amazon Kindle' icon.. Oh.. If you never head from me again.. It's because I'm tucked away somewhere with a cup of tea reading my eyes out. Needless to say, I already have over 40 books on it.. Some of which are:

-American Poetry, 1922 A Miscellany
-A Treasury of War Poetry British and American Poems of the World War 1914-1917
-The Masque of the Red Death
-Othello
-As You Like It
-King Richard III
-Venus and Adonis
-Dracula
-The Strange Case of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde
-The Secret Rose
-The Green Helmet and Other Poems - Yeats
-Various from Sir Arthur Conan Doyle
-Various from Keats
-Various form Whitman
-Various from Fitzgerald
-Various from Shakespeare
-Various mythology books

Needless to say, anyone who was unimpressed at the length of my previous reading list.. In adding these lovelies to them, shows a more accurate representation of what I'd really love to dive into this year and the years beyond.

A Post Script of sorts

It has been a long weekend. A grumpy weekend. But luckily not a lonely one. Filled with three books, a sequel movie, many an odd conversation, tea and lots of laughter.

I also found this, what follows, written a few months ago.  It was tucked away with numerous personal writings and I had all but forgotten this one unlike its siblings. As is my, apparent, tendency when writing and working on projects, it is marked with the date.  Take from it what you will, as it was written in honesty.

1.28.14

Have you heard that song ‘Stay’ ? its quite amazing. I think it is. Simple, deep, piano, emotion. What more could you ask for?

It’s been playing in my head a lot lately. And the Thirty Seconds to Mars cover of it fully cemented that baby in my head. I sang it in the shower today. A lot. Periodically with a Scottish accent. Which was beautiful, tragic, and painfully delightful.

I don’t want him back. I would like someone though. And since he’s been gone, close friends have come back into my life more than I ever expected.  It’s been a blessing.  In his absence, another man from the past has come into the scene.  Or I should say two or three. Or more. The devil is in the detailing of the numbers for this one.  I have let part of myself be so suppressed, I had forgotten completely about it and how it was part of my life.  

I have crushes again. Normal crushes.  Celebrity crushes. This is bad. Something I haven’t had since middle school or about four years ago when I had a crush on Shawn White and my boyfriend at the time got mad at me for it.  They’re a great distraction from my previous thoughts on love and life.  They bring happy thoughts of ‘cute,’ ‘charming,’ and ‘oh I like that’ on several topics in regards the men.  But they also bring up the idea of a possible future relationship.  This terrifies me as the only man I think I could end up with would, without a question of a doubt, has to be a mountain of man.  At first, I thought, he must not exist. But, if he’s the man, I hope him to be, he must be hiding away, like I am.  And that gives me a spark of hope.  

While dancing amongst the tunes of sparks.. my previous ignorance of not knowing that I had a wanting to find someone to spend the rest of my life has since left me.  Since a young age, when the little old ladies at church would ask me about marriage and how many kids I wanted, I would respond with the same, ‘I don’t know.’ I would respond this way, because I didn’t want that. Any of it. I was 9 and thought it inappropriate for me to be thinking of at the time.  That was for later in life. And I doubted that I’d want anything to do with it then either. And I maintained this thought for a long time. In high school, while in the midst of a long distance love affair, I reconsidered it. If only for a moment. A companion. Someone to share my ups and downs. In person. Then the thought left me again and has yet recently returned.  The smug bastard looking me strait in the eye. As if to say, ‘Hey, remember me from long ago when you dismissed the very idea of me? Thinking yourself too strong to need or want anyone. Being fine by yourself; solitary with yourself, your friends and God? No, no dear. I’ve always been here. Lurking in the back of your heart. Waiting all this time for you to catch up.”   It hit me most recently. A companion to over look their faults and love then endlessly and they the same with me.  A simply complex thought.  That’s all I wanted and I hadn’t known it. Hadn’t known it till him. Hadn’t realized I hadn’t achieved it until I let him break me in a ways I never thought possible.  Which leave us to the present. Alone in a regard that I am not used to.  I realized this snuck up on me like my love of reading and learning.  If only it were so easy to be that illiterate astronaut I had dreamt of being.  If only I hadn’t known of the things that the depths of my heart yearned for. . .

I am the same face as I’ve been before, with the change being that I can see more of my face then before.  A friend suggests to me often that we all are wearing masks in order to live with life.  And the mask is ever yet changing as if we are but actors for the bard himself.  Perhaps that is true. I feel it is not. That instead we continually see more and more of our own face and the character that we embody. 

Regardless of what is true, I realize now that there is another factor of my life that is not yet fulfilled if you will. Luckily, in my mental confusion of this new state of mind, I am in the company of a close friend who has had that same thought in her mind and heart much longer than I have.  Our irritation and confusion is mutual. It continues our sisterly affections, understandings and support of each other.  And for this, I am truly grateful. I could be going through this all on my own. With my mental confusion allowed to prosper, swan dive and pirouette as it pleases.  Luckily, I have her and she I to aid in this transition of life and of love.   

Date Ideas.

When confronted about whether or not I’ve been dating since the break up, I simply respond with a laugh. Guys flirt and smile and seem nice. But that’s about as far as it goes. Maybe I’m bitter or darkened. Maybe it’s just my walls being up and ever evident to all the passersby’s.  And I’m assuming since I’m not attached to anyone, that date ideas come easily to me. Honestly, actually doing any of these would be rather fun and nice.  I’ve compiled a list, as my mind tends to wander and think of these things. So, here’s a list of ideas for you; for a date, a gathering, a day alone or a day of fun.

1.Paint balling

2.Canoeing

3.Hiking

4.Ice-skating

5.Paint twister

6.Archery

7.Swimming

8.Scavenger hunt

9.Drive in Movies (if you can find them.. I know there’s one in the Portland area)

10.Water gun fight

11.Volunteer together

12.Go to the beach

13.Picnic

14.(Out door) concert

15.Visiting a (national) park

16.Paris night – baguette, French wine and cheese!

17. Bake (cookies) together

18. Visit an art gallery

19. Go to a forest or mountain for the day

20. Haunted house

21. Corn maze

22. Poetry reading

23. Go antiquing

24. Visit a winery / wine tasting

25. Go dancing, like seriously, go dance!

26. Go to a play or opera
27. See local musicians 

Reoccurring Dreams

Does anyone else have the dreams that repeat themselves and haunt you like I do?

There's a few simple reoccurring dreams I've had throughout the years. Maybe their simplicity is why they keep coming back or maybe it's because I haven't fully understood the message yet. I thought the time of reoccurring dreams had ended for me.. Thought. Key word there. Recently they came back for a visit.

When I was very little, I had this dream that there was something wrong in the house and the 'evil' polka dotted stuffed animal was the reason behind it. It, the stuffed animal, was evil to everyone but me so I, naturally, didn't fear it. I remember this dream because every time I woke, I knew I should have been afraid of the stuffed animal but I never was and couldn't seem to work out why.

The night before every, and I mean every, first day of class, I'd have some sort of night mare about not having my books or locker combination, not knowing where my classes were or simply not having all my clothes on and school stuff with me. The details always varied, but even in graduate school, I'd have some sort of anxiety filled dream the night before classes started.  I wasn't anxious about classes or people or anything. But, oh, would my dream tell you otherwise. Every time. Like clock work.

When I was with my last boyfriend, there were two dreams that kept repeating themselves during our relationship. The first was that I was dating the current and previous boyfriend at the same time and kept trying, but couldn't break up with the previous one. And when I did, he wouldn't get it and would hang around anyways. I always woke up anxious and irritated from those. Why he kept showing up and thinking we were together was beyond me. Possibly lack of closure? Who knows.  The second dream that kept repeating itself in my head was that my current boyfriend would disappear sometime during the dream and wouldn't be heard from again. Or, even more disturbing to me at the time, I could never find him when something terrible was happening.  I'd wake in a frightened state and be hesitant the rest of the day until he would very sympathetically reassure me that he would never leave me or just up and leave like that. The repetitiveness of those themed dreams haunted many of my nights and added, ultimately, to my insomnia.  I do enjoy that I'm now separated from both of those men and the dreams that they stared in.

Over the last two to three years, or actually even longer, the thing that keeps coming up in my dreams is that I am smoking during the dream. Its usually one of two types of smoking.  Either it's one cigarette that I slowly, luxuriously enjoy reveling in every breath.  Or its not just a cigarette. It's more like I'm chain smoking and can't stop. One after another after another.  Before I've finished one, I've lite another in glorious anticipation of its successor.  And I don't just enjoy smoking them in the dream, I enjoy lighting them.  I become filled with joy, it's the most odd sensation.  Some mornings, my dream state of smoking is so vivid that I awake with a craving for cigarettes.  Awhile ago, I actually considered buy some as I lay sleepily in my bed shortly after waking. The strangest thing for me about this is that I don't smoke. I've never smoked. And I don't want to smoke. I just dream and apparently fantasize about smoking when asleep.  In the last dream to have this theme to it, I was in my parents house, and on my second pack of cigarettes, wandering between the kitchen, living room and my old room.  A haze followed me throughout the dream and the only time I stopped smoking was to fix an old lamp that I found in the corner.

I'm not sure what the meaning of this is, if there is any to begin with.  I've started to talk to people, friends mostly, about my reoccurring dreams. They think its hilarious, the smoking dream in particular.  And their laughter is about as much help as I get on the subject, which is perfectly fine with me.  I do find dreams entertaining, even the bad ones.  To me they're like a mini movie that our brains make up in order to process bits of our lives that we won't let ourselves normally process. Well, that's what I'd like to imagine at least.  Regardless, I hope if you're having reoccurring dreams like I am that either their meaning is revealed or that they are at least entertaining to you.

Little hellions - a music 'dilemma' of sorts

I can feel it again. Starting to change. My music preference that is. I have a rather wide range that I adore. All of which share the similarities of deep layered meanings, play of words, catchy rhythms, guitar, piano, cello or some instrument that stands out, and at times, a voice powerful enough to haunt my dreams. This path is followed by songs and artists that I love that range from soft and subtle like calm alternative or classical types to the more eccentric, if you will, club and fast pasted tunes. To simplify it more, it's a range of soft to LOUD. Usually the soft is most beneficial for me keeping my cool, daily activities and working on projects.  Usually that is. But periodically, the coin flips, and all I want to hear is Loud music. Loud and Louder then the time before.  My pandora account mirrors this heavily. I have stations on one hand that are "Lorde, Florence and the Machine, Coldplay, Paradise Circus, Bing Crosby" and on the other hand are the "Kickstarts (Bar 9 Remix), The Glitch Mob, Pitbull."

I know these aren't that drastic of a difference. But when that coin does flip. I can't stand the music section that I, seemingly minutes before, could not get enough of.  It's also always something little and subtle that flips that coin too. This time, I was watching a cracked video while having my afternoon tea with biscuits.  There was, I think three seconds of Eminem's "Without Me" song used for one section of the video. It was a brilliantly timed bit of sarcasm and wit. And it fully tossed that coin on its head in one fell swoop of three seconds flat, during tea time too.

See, it is a bit odd and unexpected. I do enjoy the sudden change when the music takes over and the want, the need to listen more and more comes on.  It's an addiction at times that mirrors the addiction one can have toward a good book. Can't seemingly put it down, even for a little while.

So if my monthly music selection is thematically different this month, you know why.

Oh, and happy Thorsday everyone.

My Childhood Woodland Realm..

In feeling oddly motivated, I decided to tromp around outside in the beautiful weather and visit places of my childhood once again.  This is similar to the large earlier post of 'woodlands of my childhood' save the fact that this is at my parents' property and the former is at a friend's.  We are separated two miles by road, four miles by creek. And yes, that's always how I've noted where we live in relation to each other.  One main difference between my section of woods and hers was that mine has a greater overall topography changes while hers was much more flat.  Needless to say, we shared a creek, woods, and rampant imaginations while growing up.  What follows is my personal rediscovery to my woodland realm.. 

The old abandoned tree house, one of the closest "dwellings" to the actual house that we used. 

I remember my dad began filling in this area without realizing it was one of our primary summer play areas. 

One of the main paths down to the creek. Well, one of four. 

The bridge over the bedrock waterfall, dying  of old age and abandonment. I remember once I decided to jump off of it. Not one of my best ideas. But something that I've oddly never regretted doing. It still brings a smile to my face when I think of how utterly stupid it was and how fortunate I was that I didn't get hurt.   

I've always loved this tree. This could have been the second star to the right. That's how much of a land mark it was for me. Just seeing it, being near it, enveloped in its shade made me feel safe, at home, and full of promise of adventure.  

This time of year, our little creek is swollen with winter rainfall and running rampant.   

Much of the edges have eroded and changed over the years, but luckily these two grandfather types are still here with their toes in the seemingly ever present pond.   

I found about ten or so of these abandoned little homes on my trek today. I've always loved finding shells. For me, for some reason, it's like finding little nuggets of gold throughout the forest.  

I can never tell which I love more: the big leaf maples or the ferns.  

The large once fallen tree that I used to sit on for hours on end staring at the water as it flowed on is no longer there. There's no trace of it save my memories. When I saw the lack of its presence, it was as if I was a ghost haunting the site. It was as if the section of my childhood closed long ago without anyone truly knowing the hour of its happening.

A site I will always love to behold. 

The view of most of my summer days.  

The strong hold of an old stump and our look out is returning to the earth it once came from. And need I say in one of the most beautiful ways possible.  

The solitary swing on the first big leaf maple I climbed to its peak.  If I could, I would take this tree with me where ever I go.  

I remember this odd, naturally occurring 'room' in the midst of a sea of alder trees.  We used this for everything: a living room, a holding cell, to a camp site, a stage, an agility course...

A big leaf maple stump regrowing. 

We used to play on her for hours and hours. Climbing, laughing, swinging.  

It was so surreal to be in these spaces again. Surreal and healing. So very deeply healing. 

A How Do: Irish Soda Bread

Irish Soda Bread

This has a special place in my heart as it is the first thing that I have ever made by myself or gone out of my way to make. No one helped me when I first made this.. eight plus years ago, when I couldn't cook to save my life nor had a desire to do so.  Sadly, this is not the same recipe as I first used. I couldn't find it. Wonderfully enough, this version smells the same, but tastes better. 

What you'll need:

Cookie sheet, slightly greased

Large mixing bowl

Wooden spoon

Oven pre-heated at 375F / 190C

4 cups of flour

4 tbls white sugar

1 teaspoon baking soda

1 tbls baking powder

1/2 tsp salt

1/2 cup butter

1 cup milk (or buttermilk)

1 egg

Add dry ingredients to large bowl and mix.

Add milk, butter and egg. Using the wooden spoon to being the mixing process.

I like to mix till it looks like this.  Then I like to use my hands and kneed it a little.  Depending on humidity and such, I usually will add a little water to help absorb the remaining flour, if any, remaining in the bottom of the bowl.

It can get a tad messy, but as I like to say, 'messy food is good food.'

Form into a round ball and place on cookie sheet.  Melt a tab of butter and mix with milk and baste top of dough. (I like to continue to baste the dough with the remaining butter/milk mixture as it cooks.)

With a sharp knife cut a cross on top of the bread.

Bake for 45-50 minutes. Check at 30 minutes. When done, a toothpick will come out clean when inserted in the middle.

Should look like this.. well, hopefully yours will cooperate and your cross will remain unlike mine.


Regardless, enjoy!