Personal Bits in this Mad Party of Life - Open Heart Surgery

It feels as though I’ve had open heart surgery
Or maybe something worse.
My heart beats irregular, fast.
Skipping, racing toward something uncatchable
Or possibly away from.
I cannot tell its direction in its hurried state

It aches and pumps methodically
like its out for revenge
Hoping to hurt me, the way I’ve allowed you to break it.

In my recovery, since your abandonment
I work on healing my mind mostly
But when it comes to my heart
I am at a loss

It was stolen and broken
Previously hidden from view
It is now seemingly in pieces on display

How it will heal...
I know not.

I may yet grow a new one

In time, it will beat again
Strong and regular

In time, it will be willing to allow someone in again
Who is just and caring

Tutoring again

This week I shall start up tutoring again.  I didn't realize that I missed it until an old friend asked me to help her daughter study and get ready for the SATs. I did some tutoring throughout college and high school. The usual subjects being in math, and then eventually progressing to landscape architecture and some art class topics. I am rather excited to be teaching and aiding in the learning process again. In high school I had started thinking about teaching. And as I moved onto college, I thought more and more about teaching college.


Starting today I will be tutoring twice a week for two hours a day and possibly for a third day for an hour and a half. It's nice to have a set schedule, even if it is a small amount of time. I think this will help in adding a rhythm to my week.


Maybe this is another door that may or may not be opening. Either way, I am excited at this new opportunity to help someone learn and do better.

Odds and Ends

The odds and ends from this last weekend as follows:

There were wind and rain advisories..

So it made for the perfect weekend to cook, sew, quilt, and paint.

 And irritate the cat by taking her picture.

 And when in doubt, chocolate helps.

My "rainy day" quilt for whenever and if ever I move away from the rain. 

 Finally put the top together fully, now just to find a backing and quilt the sucker. 

I have adopted a few other projects that now hold priority over the rain quilt and another blue/snowflake quilt that I recently sandwiched.  Two of which need sandwiching and quilting and three need ties which I'm working on today and tomorrow. I hope to put up a 'how to sandwich' quilts soon. It is an odd phrase but it is accurate to what the operation does. 

 The rain let up enough for me to feed the adorably tiny Douglas squirrels that live near by. 

And since the floor was bare from laying quilts out, painting was also in order. 

The joke with my messy style of painting is "If there's not paint on it, it's not Kristin's".. This was confirmed when I found blue paint on the seat belt in my car.. I still don't know how that happened. 

Other activities of this weekend included cookies, making pizza dough and the subsequent pizzas. Next time I make the dough I will enlighten you all. Something went a little funny this time so that's why you're not reading something awesome about pizza right now. 

There were ups and downs throughout all this. As there is in most things. 

I hope you all are doing well. Or at least better than I. 

A few random things from this week so far:

-I was hoping on having pictures of a place I used to frequent as a child posted today. Due to rain and wind, my wool socks and big rubber boots weren't enough to get me across the giant field to my old stomping ground. It has literally been rain checked till hopefully next week or whenever the rain lets up.

-Since I have been out of school, well before that really, I've been wanting to do more donating and volunteer work. A local group of a nation wide project, Project Linus, has taken me in and allowed me to help them organize and help make blankets.  They impact so many, and its just simply wonderful working with these ladies and people. The Washington Chapter Listings are found here and the local blog is found here.

-I've been sewing and quilting a lot this week and it shall continue at an accelerated pace throughout this weekend. I have two blankets to quilt for Linus, four quilts to tie for Linus, creatures to make, I'd like to finish my current embroidery, a magnet to make for the fridge (random I know: one side says "Hangry" and the other side "FULL"), and start quilting the small table topper I sandwiched this last Tuesday. I know I won't get through all of these by Monday or Wednesday, but I'm Sooooo going to try. Well, if my figures and sewing machine don't give out on me.

-I bought a sewing machine online! Oooo, I know. I have my mother's sewing machine that I use and it is wonderful. The one I ordered was on sale and it's one of those mini 'portable' Singer sewing machines. Whenever I move or have a project on the go, I think it will help. I do have an amazing vintage Singer sewing machine from 1914 that I adore. The motor still works but I haven't used it to sew anything.

-I was informed today that my grandfather and honorary grandmother think that "my ex must not like girls because otherwise it just doesn't make sense." Which I think is hilarious and sweet of them. I don't think he is, but if he is, good for him. I know my honorary grandmother really liked him and I think the whole ordeal is just still really shocking to her. She told me many times that he reminded her of her late husband and I just hope that it's not bringing up anything too troubling for her.

-I got to see "my little brother" this week. He came to see me on his day off. It was very sweet of him. Most people don't ever come to see me.

-I looked at apartment listings with my future roomie. She may make an appearance later, but she's pretty shy.

Yes, I believe that's mostly it.

I hope you have a wonderful Friday and weekend if I don't get around to posting anything this weekend on account of all the sewing.

Personal Bits? Mad Party of Life?

In looking through my last few posts... I realize this space has become a little bleak. Nothing is truly wrong with that as life is full of ups and downs. But regardless, I hope none of it got you down. I like to view myself as a child, forever learning and growing. And I feel this space should be a safe place for me to do that, and if you care to join in, feel free to enter this mad party of life with me.

One thing that I've recently started up again, and am hoping to continue, is my personal writings. I think I've mentioned them briefly before. And I would really like to post the more recent ones here. As they are tremendously personal and revealing, I think I will wait a week or possibly more to post them. I started these..oh, what seems like ages ago, when I was 17 and trying to work through things. They are free form poetry. So if that's not your thing, don't worry. They won't be taking over this blog.

As for the older ones.. I might, possibly, maybe put them up here, eventually. It's honestly hard for me to look through them. They are almost like pieces of my heart and soul that shriveled up and I used as ink and word. (ohh, that just got dark.) I've been considered compiling them into a little novella of sorts. Perhaps one day they might be the forward when I get the stones to fully address my past demons.

As I mentioned earlier, if they aren't your thing, you can avoid them easily as their title will start with something obvious to its content such as:

Personal Bits - (Name of Piece)

or

Mad Party of Life - (Name of Piece)

or

Personal Bits in this Mad Party of Life - (Name of Piece)

I haven't decided yet. It will be one of those three I think.

But yes. There you go. A heads up. An encouragement. An invitation to join me in this mad party of life.

I need to be honest with you

I feel I should be honest with you. Whoever you are, that is reading this. Well.. honest with you and with myself.

Of course break ups are rough. Well for most of us anyways. And for me, I think, it's gotten easier as I've gotten older with one exception. This last one.

This last one was unexpected, shocking, eye opening, infuriating, relieving, and plain stupid. It's been hard and horrible some days and sometimes its just a moment or two that has me full of rage and irritation. Other times, its wonderful. I don't have to put up with his bullsh*t and deep rooted problems. I can go were I want to and watch what I'd like. I can once again, think guys are hot or cute and not feel bad about it. Maybe these things make me terrible. Maybe these things make me an open, honest human.

This one was.. painful. Before him, I couldn't, personally, understand how people would want to be married or want to stay with someone for a long time. This was my thought, only because I had never found someone that I thought fit me so well, and I him. Well, evidently, I was wrong. Well, so was everyone. .. .. ..

I know with practically all break ups, no one can fully understand what you're going through. Sympathy, comfort and distraction from friends are sure signs of 'understanding.' For that's what you need to start to get through this. To feel out how your life will now be. Become familiar with it. And, in time, enjoy it and wonder why you where so hung up on that tiny man in the first place.

I know I'm not there just yet, but I can feel it is near. I'm trying to stay positive about everything. And for the most part I do. Which helps. Optimism helps. And honestly, I'm not that good at it most of the time. There are moments of irritation as random, detailed moments from my, seemingly, previous life flash back from the depths of my memory.  And, as a dear friend keeps telling me, it is ok to revile in those moments of being down. It's part of the healing process. It's in several of the steps I believe. (Unfortunately,) some restraint needs to be brought to that pity party so that you can move on.

So, with that, what follows is my way of un-attaching or distracting myself from that long term irritation. First, I have to get over the mental block, then the physical apathy..

It's not always bad, but when those moments sneak up on me and darken my sky, these things help.

Mental Block:
My 'list of what this change really means to my life now':-I don't have to be suppressed by him any more
-I can go out when I want instead of sitting in because he won't go out.
-I can find guys attractive and not be ashamed of it
-Flirting is back on the table
-I don't have to act like everything is alright when it's not
-I can truly be happy now
-I don't feel ashamed about having emotions
-I don't have to have a reason for going out
-I can hangout with my friends more
-I don't have to worry about his dislike for family heirlooms (my family has a good amount)
-I can date and have drinks with people
-I don't have to hear the same political rants three plus times a week
-I only have to deal with my crazy extended family
-I can wear what I like without getting a look
-Halloween will be awesome again! (I seriously love Halloween)
-I can celebrating holidays again
-Listening to pop/club/alternative (whatever I like) music without having him say "I really don't like this song" every third song.
-Knowing that those close to me, don't and won't suppress important things like he did
-Not feeling bad about being excited about things
-Making plans because I'm excited and hopeful

Now, for the physical apathy:
Activities:
-Sewing
-Reading
-Praying
-Cross words and those types of games (yes the simplicity helps)
-Blaring music
-Imagining how happy I will be (maybe this sounds 'little girl' ish, but allowing yourself to think of happier times in the future, something to look forward to does help)
-Painting
-TV
-Cooking
-Shopping

I hope, in my honesty, I can continue to heal and grow from this event. I hope that if you are in any similar situation, that this may inspire you or give you a glimmer of hope.

As I've said many times, and will continue to say,

"It sucks right now. It really does. But it will be over soon. Something else will come. And it will be ok."

Frosty Winter Morning

A wonderfully frosty morning greeted me this morning. The blatant cold refreshingly simple and calming to me in my over worked state.  

Welcoming frost of a new year.

Big leave maples of the fall.

Remnants of my favorite tree.

Evergreens growing faster than I do.

Odds and ends of the country side.

Does anyone else remember playing with the ice coming up from the mud as a child?

The thorns in my side, native black berry vines.

The ferns of my youth.

I love tall, uncut grass, regardless of the season.

Just seeing this makes me feel young again.

So simple and beautiful.

Iced over puddles. 

Favorite Songs of the Last Month

These are the top songs I’ve been in love with as of the last month or so.. 

Sweater Weather by The Neighbourhood

Tongue Tied by GROUPLOVE

White Teeth Teens by Lorde

Pompeii by Bastille

Counting Stars by OneRepublic 

Midnight City by M83 

Princess of China (Invisible Man Remix) by Coldplay (feat. Rihanna)

Their rhythm, lyrics, simplicity, and heart draw me in. A few, as of late, could have been little foreseers. Which I find beautifully romantic. There is something beautiful in the decay and creation of things. 

Lazy Friday Feels

I'm feeling rather unmotivated. Questioning who I am and who I want to be or should be. What I've done in my life and if my 5 year old self would approve or if my 50 year old self would even care.

It's silently raining now, which brings a calm sense of peace to my over worked brain muscle. At times I forget how simple things really are. With this new year just having started, I need to keep this in mind. I'm often torn between two sides of opinion and I think it's time for my hopeful, brave, unyielding side to take over. I do love my dark and brooding side. Don't get me wrong. She's gotten me through many a rough moment. But, I believe she is in need of a vacation, even if just for a week or two.

Anyways, in hopes of increasing my motivation levels, I plan on doing the following (and hopefully in this order) :

-Apply for more jobs! I keep doing this. Seemingly flinging my resume at a variety of jobs. Eventually, I think, one will stick.

-Write something good - just for me. Articulately getting my thoughts out of my emotional and photographic mental process has been helping me move through things for years. I believe I need to start this up again. If I get the stones to do so, I may eventually post some of these little gems. 

-Paint or Sew! I have a few unfinished paintings that have been trying to lure me into their web for about a week now. And in regards to sewing, I have, oh, a few dozen projects that are taunting me and begging for attention in their partially completed states. 

-Read all the books. I have a good stack going.  I need to turn it back into a mole hill from the mountain that I've made. 

I'm also hoping that these items will fend off my cabin feverish symptoms that are setting in. After having possibly the best New Years Eve's I've ever had..I basically am increasingly antsy to get this thang of life going. Starting this year off being single is a new and strange experience that is showing new rays of light to my blurry eyes.

My “Done with College” Reading List for the New Year

I feel like I might be able to start reading again for my own pleasure. Throughout the whole year too! In the past few years the only times I have picked up non educational books have been during summer break when I wasn’t at my various part time jobs or on occasion during Thanksgiving break.  These books started with a few extra design / community / nature preservation driven books that I had wanted to read during the previous semester but never got too. My intentions were high but they slowly were overcome with a more humorous, light hearted reads like one of Chelsea Handler’s books. One summer, I read all of her books. I couldn’t help it; the easy read, funny yet twisted take on life and happenings in her life and family. They were a great escape from my ‘normal’ more serious reads. 


Anyways. I feel that I may have more time to read. And read books! I actively read articles and random bits online. And since working on my thesis project, I’ve slowly become addicted or conditioned myself to writing and reading almost daily now. I’m sure life will catch up to my optimistic thoughts of being able to read all the time. Or my cat, Boo, will try to hide my book with her fluffiness. Really, this is a problem. She’s been known to lay on my cell phone and/or keys making me late for various appointments because she doesn’t want me to leave. 

Regardless, here are a few of the books I hope to read in the next few months. 

 Esme of Paris by Esme Davis, 1944

The Monuments Men. Allied Heroes, Nazi Thieves, and the Greatest Treasure Hunt in History. by Robert M. Edsel, 2009 (not pictured, it's in transit) 

Unfinished Tales by J.R.R. Tolkien, 1980

The Machine in the Garden. Technology and the Pastoral Ideal in America by Leo Marx, 1964

The Nature Principle. Reconnecting with Life in a Virtual Age by Richard Louv, 2012

Bittersweet, thoughts on change, grace and learning the hard way by Shauna Niequist, 2010

People and Nature, An Introduction to Human Ecological Relations, by Emilio F. Moran, 2006

The Granite Garden, Urban Nature and Human Design. by Anne Whiston Spirn, 1984

Landscape Traveled by Coyote and Crane. The World of the Schitsu’umsh (Coeur d’Alene Indians) by Rodney Frey in collaboration with The Schitsu’umsh, 2005

The Last of the Few. The Battle of Britain in the Words of the Pilots who Won it. by Max Arthur, 2010

Firstly, I need to finish my current book, which I started this summer and ashamedly still haven’t finished; Esme of Paris.  I found it at a thrift store and fell in love with it. I originally didn’t intend on reading it as I love to collect vintage books. But something about it just took over and I couldn’t help it. If you’re able to find a copy, I highly recommend it. It’s a first person account of a gypsy girl’s life in the early 1900’s and its fabulously detailed with historic happenings, places and name drops. I’ve been enjoying googling the people and things she talks about. So really, for me, this book has been a mini history lesson.

I realized this list isn't as intense as I thought it would be, and then I realized it's because the other books I'd love to read I don't own yet. So, at least this is a start. I also have digital copies of Alice in Wonderland and The Three Musketeers that I'd like to read as well.  

Also, I found (this top ten list) of best books in urban planning, design and development published in 2013. Most of these look like good reads too. So, if I'm hyper successful with the aforementioned books, then I plan on moving on to some books from this list.