It's been a little over a week now.

Since my world did a reverse 1 1/2 somersaults, 2 1/2 twists in the free position and dove into a pool of confusion driven rage and abandonment.  My newly single status was brought to me abruptly. And after much reflection and consultation with close, now aggravated friends, I feel my new status was a product of fear, commitment issues and deep emotion disruption.


For me, the time since the event, has opened my eyes to several items I didn't know needed addressing. One of which, being that I didn't realize how messed up the people closest to you can be without letting you know. About half of our relationship, he locked me out, suppressing his feelings and issues that we should have been addressing.  Another, being how much he was suppressing me and my dreams. Something I knew little of and had been dramatically overlooking for over a year. A third, his inconsistency. Not liking if I stood up for myself and not liking when I did. I know a lot comes to light when a relationship is over. I was under the impression that we were open with each other and willing to work through our issues and problems because our love was enough of a cause to fight for. And I was terribly wrong. We weren't. I was. I was willing. And apparently that was too much.


My dad told me a story that has helped me through the initial part of my recovery:
" When I got back from over seas, everyone thought I was much older than I was. I was in my late 20's and everyone thought I was late 30's - 40's. Anyways, the Marine corps ball was coming up. And a bunch of the guys didn't have dates yet. One eighteen year old asked me if I had a daughter. I replied with, 'yes I do.' He asked me if I thought that she'd go with him to the ball. I said, 'well, she might be a little mature for you.' 'How old is she?' he asked me.  I said 'Oh, she's 4.' And everyone burst out laughing."

And he told me, "Sweetie, I just think you're too mature for him." with a chuckle. I don't know if it's true. But it really does feel that way right now.


I'd like to hope that I'm the only one in this situation at this time, even though I know I can't be. I don't wish this inner turmoil on anyone. Whatever disruption has broken your routine in life, I'm sorry. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I hope at some time, you and I both can look back at these moments of mental and emotional upheaval and see how it has changed us for the better.


P.S.
I've already been asked out. And I honestly don't know how I feel about starting to date again. I haven't been single in a long time. I don't really know how to start. I feel weird now when guys chat me up. Before I just ignored it, was polite and continued with my business. Now, I guess, I have options. Which is a new and slightly terrifying change of pace for me.

New Year’s Resolutions for 2014

This year, I’m actually doing a New Year’s list before the year even starts. And I’m super cereal about it too.  As a disclaimer, my list is part resolution list and part rest of life list. The future and long term ones will be denoted with an *.

So in no particular order (even though for some reason I numbered them):

1. Sing more in the shower. (When I sing in the shower, it's because I'm very happy. So more singing in the shower equates to more happiness.)

2. Relearn French (I’ve already downloaded several apps for this!)

3. Become more organized, i.e. notebook/sketchbook organization, one for quilting/sewing and one for blog stuff, etc.

4. Create a workout schedule and actually keep it! (I’ve failed this one many times in the past – three months is about when I get lazy and stop)

5. Start an Etsy shop. I’ve had this dream for about two years now and I should really just get on it.

6. Be nicer to my parents. After all they put up with me, and I’m rather moody and emotional at times. And that can’t be easy to put up with.

7. Finish the quilts I start. Or break my habit of starting a quilt getting about half way done or so with the top and then move on to the next quilt. I'd like to, generally, limit it to three quilts in progress at a time.

8. Donate to charities more.

9. Do more volunteer work. Like seriously, more of it. It needs to be done now!

10. Paint more.

11. Cry less. (If you know me personally, you know this will be a major thing for me to overcome.)

12. Learn German. *

13. Learn Sign Language. *

14. Learn to knit or crochet. *

15. Learn how to can. *

16. Be less judgmental  of people.

17. Take more pictures.

18. Read my Bible regularly.

19. Start a blog. (HA! done!)

20. Actively maintain blog (touche, self)

21. Learn how to play the piano *

22. Start experimenting / learning  how to sew / create clothes; design and construction *

23. Contribute to local food drives and charities, actively / annually 

24. Start a Charity or Scholarship foundation * (I actually have the names and goals already figured  out.. now just to be successful enough to get them started) 

25. Read more. (Actual books too! More to come about this.)

26. Become successful in whatever employment direction I end up in. (*)

27. (An over used on, but a good one) Travel more. Even if it's simply to cities and areas near me that I've never been. There's more than a few countries that I'd love to see, but in general I'd love to be traveling and seeing new places.

Morning Trudge around the Forest.

Wearing Dad's boots.

 What's left of the big leaf maple leaves. 

 Alder forest.

To me, this always has looked like an entrance to fortress. 

 The old tree house, in ruin. 

 Serenity found in the woods.  

And a hopeful selfie to end this thang. 

Starting to deal with a broken heart..

In light of a sudden and traumatic breakup, of which I may or may not go into depth on in a future post, I would like to reflect on the good things that are present in my life. That's right, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and in attempts to revive it, or more likely, grow a new one... here it goes:

- I am grateful for my parents' strength. Their strength in each other and in dealing with / helping me get through this.

- I'm thankful that I'm getting to know my father more. He's opened up quite a bit in the last few days. (He's been a rock and a giant teddy bear for me.)

- I read a short article on Malala Yousafzai, and I am so grateful for her strength and composer. She is only 16 and has gone through more than I could ever imagine. Her life and how she handles herself is such an inspiration. My troubles are so little compared to hers, I am so thankful.

- I am grateful for the fire place and a full woodshed. It is much warmer here then in Idaho, but I am a lover of the warmth.

- I'm grateful that I'm not crying all day, every day.

- As much as I feel abandoned, by the one person I had at once seen myself spending the rest of my life with.. I'm hoping that there is a strong man out there, somewhere, with a heart of compassion that's waiting for me. I'm grateful that I may yet still find him.

- I'm grateful for my two closest and oldest friends who have been helping me through this.

-I'm grateful for my cat, Boo. I know, kinda weird, but she's a comfort to me. A small mirror of emotions, love and personality.  Her fluff and sass light up my daily events.

- I'm grateful for quilts - the warmth, color and texture are a comfort.

- I'm grateful for books - their insight and escape are a great outlet.

- I'm grateful for the much warmer winter weather. Yes, I've come to enjoy the snow, but I have missed the rain quite terribly.

- I'm grateful that I currently don't have a job. I know if I did, my work would probably be suffering because of this.

- I'm grateful for the random meows and purrs from the cats. Their innocents and simplicity delight me.

- I'm grateful that I've been able to sleep at night, even though I've lost my appetite. I know without sleep this would be much worse.

- I'm grateful I'm still young.

- I'm grateful that I still, somewhat, feel like myself.

- I'm grateful I have New Years Eve plans with an old friend.

- I'm grateful this year is almost over and a new fresh start is upon us all.

- I'm grateful for anyone reading this. I hope this gives you encouragement in whatever trails you may be going through.

- I'm thankful for God not abandoning me throughout the course of my life. Only through His strength have I made it this far.  And only through it still will I get through this.

Who is Boo and why does she love nature?

I realized that I introduced myself a tiny bit and why I had started this blog, but I feel that I left something out...the story behind the name.

I've had the name idea for a blog and such running a muck in my head for some time.  Being drawn to the outdoors and its creatures from an early age, I knew that I wanted some how to highlight that in both the title and its content. I played around with "Tree huger" and similar variations but nothing seemed to stand out to me. And then, like she usually does when I'm trying to get something done, my cat Boo interrupted my thoughts with all her fluffiness.  That's how the name took form.

She was a malnourished stray when I found her. I fell in love almost immediately and kept her. I really think she adopted me though.  She has the most intense personality. She sulks, plays with a vengeance, becomes extremely depressed  when I'm away for long periods of time, and always loves to lay on my current project. 

See, I try to get sewing done for a friendship quilt and this is what happens. 

So now you've been introduced to my little fur ball and partial inspiration.  I'm sure she'll be making more appearances in future posts. 

Moving day

Believe it or not. All the stuff is packed! And it all fits in my little car. 

What? You read?

Last night, while out with friends at a local watering hole the topic of reading came up. We were talking about different shows and wanting the next season to come out on Netflix. And my chicka friend said she wanted the newest/ last season of How I Met Your Mother to come on. I've been a HIMYM  fan for a long time and even got the boyfriend into the show. My response of "I do too, but I feel slightly hesitant about it." merited question from the boyfriend...

"How come?" he asked.

"I read an article, about how the shows almost been canceled, which I never knew. But it made sense because the seasons do vary in quality, as we've talked about before. Anyways, the article talked about how they drag out the last season, even though they've been dragging it out for a couple seasons now. Which I had assumed they would as the second to last season ends with everyone leaving for the wedding."

To which he replied, "Oh you read. You read articles." in a sarcastic tone. We both do and have done a lot of reading. In particular he likes mostly reading the happenings in the world. I usually make fun of him a little in this regard, so I did have it coming. Just a little bit. (extra points if you know what I just referenced. If not, here is what I'm referencing.)

"Yes, through the last... since 6th grade, school and myself, we've been conditioning myself to read. And read a lot." I said, in a quick confused manner.

I wasn't expecting his come back, it might have been the drinks, but I thought the whole thing was really funny. And it got me thinking about how much people do or don't read now a days. It seems, to me at least, that most people read a lot or read very little. And I used to not read a lot. I remember struggling to learn how to read when I was little. I'm sure the mother would say it was more of a refusal to learn and then a struggle. She's probably right. I was stubborn and didn't want to learn anything new for many years of my early life. To me, I had gotten by without knowing those things so I didn't see why I would need to change. Little did I know that learning math, reading, writing, science and history would be a positive influence on me. Looking back at it now, I really don't understand how I thought this. For a short while, around the age of 5 or 6, I wanted desperately to be a lady astronaut. And yet I refused and struggled with reading. Apparently, I thought astronauts didn't need to know how to read. Good job 5 year old me. Luckily, over time, a very patient and loving mother, and many wonderful teachers, I did learn the various things I struggled with and actually came to like and even love some of them. And the more I read, the more cognitive of my surrounds I feel. I view things differently and perhaps more openly. And sometimes, I wonder if others see things in the light that I do. In my studies of art and architecture, my view on spaces, places and many things have changed and it all has open my eyes dramatically. But definitely not as much as reading has. I wish, on a global level, we read more. I think it would help. And maybe more than just a little bit.

A pretty good video, that I found awhile ago pertains to reading. It's Girls who Read by Mark Grist.  I think it's done rather well and gets to why I love reading and why I love people who read. If you haven't seen it here it is.

Winter Wonderland Tag

Some how this year the boyfriend and I have had our Christmas cheer switched. Usually he's a bit of a Grinch. And usually, I'm the one singing Christmas songs. Not this year. (His rendition of "Oh Kristin Tree" was rather hysterical and oddly festive.) So in attempts to get myself into the Christmas spirit, here is the Winter Wonderland Tag: 

Questions: 

1. What do you like best about winter?
Sitting around the fire place talking.

2. Scarves or Beanies?
Scarves forever!

3. What's your favorite holiday movie?
White Christmas.

4. Favorite winter nail polish?
Any silver or maroon

5. Favorite Starbucks Holiday Drink?
Any hot tea

6. What are your top 3 winter essentials?
Scarf, chap stick, and a good pair of boots

7. Favorite holiday song?
the Mandy song (?)– from  White Christmas

8. Are you going Black Friday shopping this year?
Nope – well, I didn’t.

9. Must have winter lip product?
chap stick

10. Will you be rocking an ugly Christmas sweater this year?
I was a kid in the 90’s and I have served my time, so no.

11. Have you ever had a white Christmas where you live?
Yes, in Idaho and in Washington

12. Favorite winter candle scent?
Cinnamon or Baked Cookies

13. How will you be celebrating this holiday? 
With Cinnamon rolls for breakfast after we open our stockings. That’s always my favorite part.

Now it's your turn: 

1. What do you like best about winter?
2. Scarves or Beanies?
3. What's your favorite holiday movie?
4. Favorite winter nail polish?
5. Favorite Starbucks Holiday Drink?
6. What are your top 3 winter essentials?
7. Favorite holiday song?
8. Are you going Black Friday shopping this year?
9. Must have winter lip product?
10. Will you be rocking an ugly Christmas sweater this year?
11. Have you ever had a white Christmas where you live?
12. Favorite winter candle scent?
13. How will you be celebrating this holiday? 

What college taught me.

A little back ground information of my personal experience: I have just graduated and have been reflecting over the last five and a half years of my time at college. I started my undergraduate in Architecture. The summer before my second year I changed my major to Landscape Architecture (L.A.). During the first two summers I was in college I went to a community college to get direction and to transfer classes/credits over to make my semesters less intense. I got my bachelors in L.A. in spring of 2012 and then in the fall continued with my masters.

Here are a few key things that I wish I would have known earlier.

1) I’ve t.a.ed a few classes, so these are some things I had to deal with weekly and things that all students should do or at least be aware of. (yes this is my PSA) :

-Put your NAME and the CLASS NAME and NUMBER  and THE ASSIGNMENT NAME on your item that you’re turning in. If you’re electronically turning it in, use those for the title of the documents you’re submitting. Trust me, when the teacher has 50+ students and only 12 did this, you can bet they will be in a bad mood viewing, downloading, grading and keeping track of everything. This is also extremely helpful to keep your personal copies organized.

-Be respectful of your professor and / or t.a.’s. They grade your work. No it’s not ethical to grade a student down because they bad mouthed you or what have you. But don’t you think if you were in a bad mood that you would grade in a harsher manner?

-Grading papers and assignments takes time. Most professors have 2-3 classes sometimes more. If we’re going conservatively here, let’s say there’s 20 people in each class. That’s 40-60 papers/assignments to grade, catalog and return. For larger classes, you can do the math.

2) Don't believe everything your teacher says. You should approach every class with curiosity but not a blind eye. Don’t take everything for face value either. The teacher or book may be wrong or not up to date. They may be trying to convince you to see things their way, they may not. (Your personal ethics and morals may tie into this.) Most of my teachers didn’t push their own private beliefs or wants for your project or life but some do. In some design or creativity centered classes teachers do this to push your creativity and sometimes teachers are just set in their ways. Just be wary and don't take information at face value. (I learned this through two philosophy classes, one I hated and one I loved.)

3) Don’t take it personally if a teacher doesn’t like you. Even if it is for a personal reason. It’s alright to not agree, it’s not alright to belittle people. This should work both ways, but sadly sometimes it’s a one way street.  I’ve had a few teachers that filled this niche. (I’ve also come to know that this can happen anywhere.) What I learned to do and how I dealt with it:

-Smile and smile often.

-Be polite regardless

-Ask short to the point questions

-When answering do the same. Explain/reply fully and concisely.

-Understand their reasoning of why they don’t like you / pick on you and understand that some people just may not like you and that’s ok.

4) Figure out your own schedule or flow for getting work done. Everyone is different and it may take you some time to figure out works best for you. I’ve worked in my room, at studio, at the library and friends’ houses. Depending on the project, for me at least, location seemed to dictate my ability to focus and work properly.  I almost always prefer a silent room. If that cannot be obtained, headphones are my new best friend and I listen to music that has a good tempo that isn’t too distracting. Taking breaks from working is highly helpful. Just walking around the building or around a few buildings will clear your head a little and allow you to focus more when you return. Having downtime away from your work will make your ending products better. My various downtime actives have been; youtube, netflix, painting, embroidery, walking, taking pictures, working out, yoga, cooking and reading to name a few.  

5) Try to eat healthy or at least try to balance. Add healthy foods to meals or as snacks. Junk food is fast and cheap, maybe. But so are carrots, cheese and crackers. Numerous vegetables and healthier foods are just as cheap. Buy them in smaller quantities so you will eat or use them before they expire. I usually have some kind of nut or nut mix in my desk and have at least carrots and pretzels.  Mix fruit juices were a life saver for me as well. Vitamin C is extremely helpful in crowded class rooms during flu season. I also recommend to limit your caffeine intake. I used to drink blue mountain dew and eat skittles all night long to finish architecture projects. And yes, my projects would get done, but my body took the beating for it. Try alternating between a glass of soda or tea or coffee and water, back and forth. It will help keep you hydrated and cut down on spending.

6) It’s ok to change your major and your mind. College is an education place. If you learn that you don’t like something, figure out how to address it calmly and rationally and then proceed forward. I changed from Architecture to Landscape Architecture (L.A.) after my first year. It just wasn’t working for me. I’m very grateful I figured out what I didn’t like about it and what I did and it lead me to L.A.

7) Remember the reason why you’re at college. It’s ok to feel down and exhausted, that will happen. Try to keep the end goal, whatever yours is, in sight. It is worth it, whatever it is. And you’ll probably find that you’re stronger than you thought you were. Just keep trying.

8) You can change your adviser. They are assigned to you when you at random when you start but you can change them. This is set up so that your adviser (or major professor) can be someone that you get along with or that they share an interest in the degree in which you want to take your degree, time there and your life.

9) Presenting is nerve racking. And can be even with practice. But it is made much easier with lots of practice. If you can practice, even by yourself, it will help with flow, sentence structure, word choice and range of items that you are presenting when the time actually comes. One thing that I still do before presenting is that I take a few slow deep breaths before I start. It calms down the nerves and clears and focuses the brain a bit.  But the most important thing I can say about presenting is this: Always introduce yourself and your presentation. Even if they all know who you are, it’s an excellent professional habit to form.

There’s many more things, but these are things I wish someone who had been in college recently or was in college would have told me when I started. I hope this helps or at least gets your thoughts going.

Also;

Jenn Im’s video from clothes encounters video is a great summary of useful insight to college found here.

P.S. I feel like this is turning into a college blog.. I swear it won’t be.

Simple Italian Chicken with Roasted Potatoes and Streamed Broccoli

Here is one of my favorite meals to make. It's simple, tasty, filling and easy to make.

What you'll need:
Chicken! (I used white meat for this)
Broccoli
Potatoes
Italian Dressing
Herbs of your choice (I used Parsley, Italian mix, Oregano, and Rubbed Sage)
Olive oil
Salt and Pepper

An oven or pressure cooker
A glass casserole or baking dish, if using the oven
A cookie sheet
A steamer bit and a pot

For the Chicken:
Today, I used my green pan pressure cooker to save on time. Simply add chicken, frozen if you forgot to thaw it like I did, and add as much dressing as you like. Yes, it's that simple. And it's amazingly juicy. When I make this in the oven, I generally use enough dressing to come up one third of the way up the chicken breast.

(doesn't that look yummy...)

For the Potatoes: 
I love this part, it's easy and I make this style of potatoes a lot so the rhythm of making them is almost therapeutic to me. (I like getting the little potatoes if they're not too expensive. Red potatoes are amazing for this and really this will make any potato shine. Yes, I really do like potatoes..)
Wash and scrub removing grit and any bits.
Large dice to equal sized chucks. I like to have some a little smaller as they end up being more crispy.
Pat try with a paper towel. (This will take out any water from when you cut and washed them, and will aid in their roasty crispiness that is super addictive. While doing the dishes after dinner, I'll eat whatever's left if there is any.)
Disperse them on a cookie sheet.
Add olive oil, herbs, salt and pepper to your liking. You'll see in the picture how much I usually add and you can always start off with less, but I think this is generally the perfect amount.
Toss with your hands or utensils. I use my hands, I don't mind the quick oil treatment.
Stick in the oven till cooked and toasted. I usually set the oven for 350. If I'm baking something else I'll just use that temperature and adjust the time accordingly. They're really easy to work whatever time frame you like.

And roast them until they look like this:

For the Broccoli:
I always do this part last as it takes the least amount of time. Rinse and chop to your desired size. If using a steamer bit for a sauce pan, I like to add a dash of salt to the water that is in the pan. It will basically make the broccoli (or veggie chosen for steaming) pop. I'm usually multi-tasking while dinner is cooking or being really lazy - regardless I have a habit of not paying attention to time. Five to Seven minutes is when I check them, when I remember. When I don't usually, when you can smell broccoli - They're done. Also this will differ based on how you like them. I like anything from a light blanch to tender yet soft. 

(These ones are a little over done in my opinion but not terribly much.)

Plate everything, and ta-da! A simple, healthy and tasty meal. 

The Graduation Day.

The Day before Graduation:

For my bachelors, I didn’t attend graduation. I thought it was stupid, honestly, considering I would be returning in the fall to start graduate school.  So I figured it would be appropriate for me to attend and walk in graduation for my masters. I also wanted some closure. In not walking after my bachelors, I never felt like that portion of my life ‘ended’. Here I’d like to start afresh, if at least mentally. My parents and grandparents on my dad’s side are coming into town. And the boyfriend’s parents are coming now too.  Reservations are made. And people are supposed to be showing up with 2 hours or so. Right now I’m not feeling nervous, which I think is a little weird, but I’m definitely ok with it. I suppose those feelings will come tomorrow with the actual graduation ceremony and my family actually spending time with the boyfriend’s parents.

The Day of Graduation:

I've become somewhat of an insomniac over the course of this last semester. And yes, I really mean that, I looked it up on webmd one night, out of curiosity,  that I couldn’t fall asleep. Kind of fitting huh? Anyways, last time I looked at the clock, it was 1 something AM and when I woke up it was 4:43. I thought oh yeah, today’s going to be awesome, it’s graduation day, I barely slept and there will be family members everywhere! But I was up and that was that. We were to meet at 7:30 for breakfast so I just took my time getting ready.  So after curling my hair all fancy like (ha), the parents and grandparents and I went to breakfast. I realized soon that it was going to be a rough day when sitting waiting for my Belgian waffles I wanted to crawl under the table and take a nap.  The next realization was when we went to a few stores to kill time and Papa, the grandfather, asked me if my feet hurt. They didn’t but I knew they would. And they do! I spent the whole day in heels and hadn’t done that since presentations last May. Needless to say, the dogs were barking.  The day itself was nice, 35 degrees, which felt warm as the previous week had a few days dipping into the negative.  Anyways, I feel like I’m rambling in my tiredness. Graduation itself was a good blur.  Lots of hope and promise.  I befriended two geologists majors while lined up behind the curtain before it all started.  They were nice, rather nerdy guys, but I was grateful to talk to someone; mainly to calm my nerves and also to keep me from making an ‘ignore the man behind the curtain’ joke. (Yes, Gma, the three tapes of Wizard of Oz you gave us when I was little have stuck with me.)

The emotions I thought I would have didn’t come to me. I, luckily, didn’t even cry at the singing of The Star Spangled Banner. This song usually brings at least a tear to my eye regardless of my mood and luckily my eyes only watered a bit. After getting the ‘diploma’ and shaking hands and picture taking, I sat and watched the rest of my class in their happiness. And I was genuinely happy, for about ten people. Then all of a sudden, the emotion drained from my body. Super quick like, similar to when you get a head rush from standing up too fast. I felt very neutral and content as the nervousness left me. And in that neutral content stage, I became aware of how tired I was. I really wanted to some how power nap through the rest of it, as terrible at that might be.  And I thought that was all there was to the extreme range of emotions. But, oh, I was wrong. Before dinner, I was super grouchy. I get that way when I’m really hungry and really tired. It’s very reminiscent of a hungry, tired child if I let it go long enough. It is easily destroyed with food which it was with Neapolitan pizza and wine. Also, with the boyfriend there to calm me down helped a lot too. He’s very calming to me, almost like saying ‘gooooose-fraaah-baaah.’  He makes me smile and feel comforted. After diner, after saying goodnight to everyone, after I was safe in my room, the feelings snuck up on me again. I was safe until i checked facebook. I know possibly a major mistake. All of the well wishes and congratulations where just so wonderful and sweet. I was really happy. Like happier than I am on my birthday when people wish me happy birthday. And then they came. I just started crying from happiness and slight shock. Another period of my life had closed. A five and a half years of uphill battles, confusion, separation, aggravation, happiness, tears, ice, snow, blazing hot summers, papers and endless projects are now over. It was all a little terrifying for me. It was also incredibly relieving.

When I was younger, like middle school even, I knew I’d go to college. That was never a question. I wanted to go to college so I could take care of myself and my family. So that the struggles I witnessed my parents going through all my life, I wouldn’t have to.  And that’s as far as my little brain ever planned for. So now that it’s all done and over. I’ve been having, at first, a hell of a time figuring out my next steps. I’d like to think that everything happens for a reason. Big statement from a tiny person, I know. But I really do think so. I think I don’t have it figured out just yet is a good thing. I possibly need a buffer to decompress and sort things. Possibly there’s something bigger out there. Some new mountain to climb and I need to rest my bones before starting that.

(I'd include pictures at this point, but I actually don't have any as the mother took all the photos and then never gave me digital copies before she left today. Maybe later some day I'll update this wordy thang with your typical post graduation photos.)

And so goes the job hunt, with an overworked brain.

In my current job hunt, I seem to be finding three types of jobs. This is how, after a few months of job hunting paralleling my school endeavors, my over worked brain sees most job postings.  And yes, this may be a bit of a dramatization.

1) The ‘over your head’ job:

Must have Masters in (insert fancy degree here) or Doctrine in similar field and 2-3 years experience

Or

Masters and 2 years experience

Or

Bachelors in a related field and 4-5 years of experience

Facilitation and Direction of Overseeing insights and municipal budgeting of hazardous impact zone experience is required. (insert other long confusing descriptive sentences that really don’t pin point things, but they’re important too.)

(This job seems way over your head. And pays a lot of money. A LOT. Maybe one day you’ll get there. Maybe one day you won’t. But today, definitely isn’t that day.)

2) The ‘one you possibly could stretch to fit into’ or ‘could actually do’ job:

Must have Bachelors in a related field and 2-3 years experience

Or

Masters in (insert fancy degree here) or related field

Or

3-4 years experience or 2-3 years experience

Great people skills a plus!

Can you use multi-phone system and operate word? Apply today!

(This job seems do-able and possibly even fun or right up your alley! Pays ok to well. Ok, it pays more than that, you’re out of a job right now.)

3) The ‘you didn’t need to waste your time and money at college’ job:

High school diploma or GED required.

2 years + experience in related field is a plus!

Serving experience and excellent customer service is a plus!

(This job seems like a part time job. It seems like a job that possibly won’t destroy what’s left of your mind or emotional capability of handling yourself properly in public.. But then again, you’ve probably thought that about almost every job you applied for or gotten. But it seems nice. And nice sounds amazing.)

And while any of these jobs I would be grateful to have, since I am unemployed, I have no clue what would actually be happening at most of these jobs. The problem with most job descriptions / requirements is I have no idea if I’m wasting my time and theirs with most of these applications. I feel under qualified or over qualified and I’m searching for that happy medium. Where requirements meet reality and there’s still room to grow. That’s what I’d like to find. I’m sure something close to it or a stepping stone to getting there will come up eventually. I’m trying to stay positive in a sometimes dreary search for employment. If you’re in the market for a job, I’m sure these descriptions, with a few tweaks, sound familiar. To me, sometimes, they seem to start blurring together into a big joke that the internet itself has put on the web for its humorous advantage alone. Or possibly that’s the sleep deprivation talking.

On a super positive note, I got the radiator to pump out warm air instead of cold air for once.

What's holding me back?

I’ve been wanting to start a blog documenting everyday life through my personalized lens.  And with my college carrier coming to an end in 3 days, I figured, ‘what’s holding me back now?’  And that really frightened me at first.

“What’s holding me back?” Originally this thought never entered my head in middle and elementary school.  The closest it came to entering my head was somewhere along the lines of “How do I climb that tree?” or “How do I get everyone to go swimming?” But “What’s holding me back?” Never. Not once.

In high school it wasn't an issue either. I was rather shy, I’ll more than admit that. But I don’t think I ever held myself back. I took an excessive amount of art classes, French, and English throughout my four years of hormone filled confusion. 

Then the period of my life known as college came about and I felt even farther from “what’s holding me back?” than I ever did before. This is possibly due to the fact that I didn’t know this question was about to be part of my conscious concern for myself.  I thought that simply with going to college, I’d never have to face a question remotely related to that possible beasty. And then, without notice, it briefly reared its hope inspiring, night mare inducing head at the middle of my last year in undergrad.  It briefly began to terrify me when I was at an expo in San Diego, California.  I was surrounded by business men and women- successful people with creativity flowing through their veins and years of experience to back them up. And I realized, or more convinced myself, that the only way I could compete with or fit in with these people is by obtaining a higher degree.  And so, the question quietly slipped to the back of my mind, seemingly defeated by the prospect of graduate school.

This brings us to present day; approximately two years later years, at 4:00pm, with graduation this Saturday.  The question of “What’s holding me back?” reentered my cranium about a week ago.  With school no longer being the main consumer of my time, effort and general life force, what now?  A job?  A carrier?  Where?  Doing what?  The tiny frantic questions began to set up walls that seemed to close in on me.  And then a very calm moment of clarity came to me. “What’s holding me back?”  The options are open.  Wide open.  I’ve been given amazing opportunities throughout my life and never really realized it. So I’ve decided to try and turn the stress of ‘what will come next’ into hope and excitement for the next lesson to be learned, the next life to brighten, and the next place to see.  And the idea of starting some sort of long term documentation has been on my mind for some time. I’ve had failed attempts with accounts at YouTube and several Tumblr personas, trying to segment a part of my life in documentation.  Commitment, content and time management being the failing forces? Probably. But I’d like to think that confidence definitely played a role as well. That is the past, and now, is the future.  I’d like to take a healthy step forward with whatever is headed my way and have this blog to look back on and see how I’ve changed and how things where once upon a time.  I’d also like this to be a place of inspiration for others.

With that, I will leave you. What follows here is from the heart, or possibly the mind. I hope to remain sincere, honest, and forever learning. 

-Kristin