Since my world did a reverse 1 1/2 somersaults, 2 1/2 twists in the free position and dove into a pool of confusion driven rage and abandonment. My newly single status was brought to me abruptly. And after much reflection and consultation with close, now aggravated friends, I feel my new status was a product of fear, commitment issues and deep emotion disruption.
For me, the time since the event, has opened my eyes to several items I didn't know needed addressing. One of which, being that I didn't realize how messed up the people closest to you can be without letting you know. About half of our relationship, he locked me out, suppressing his feelings and issues that we should have been addressing. Another, being how much he was suppressing me and my dreams. Something I knew little of and had been dramatically overlooking for over a year. A third, his inconsistency. Not liking if I stood up for myself and not liking when I did. I know a lot comes to light when a relationship is over. I was under the impression that we were open with each other and willing to work through our issues and problems because our love was enough of a cause to fight for. And I was terribly wrong. We weren't. I was. I was willing. And apparently that was too much.
My dad told me a story that has helped me through the initial part of my recovery:
" When I got back from over seas, everyone thought I was much older than I was. I was in my late 20's and everyone thought I was late 30's - 40's. Anyways, the Marine corps ball was coming up. And a bunch of the guys didn't have dates yet. One eighteen year old asked me if I had a daughter. I replied with, 'yes I do.' He asked me if I thought that she'd go with him to the ball. I said, 'well, she might be a little mature for you.' 'How old is she?' he asked me. I said 'Oh, she's 4.' And everyone burst out laughing."
And he told me, "Sweetie, I just think you're too mature for him." with a chuckle. I don't know if it's true. But it really does feel that way right now.
I'd like to hope that I'm the only one in this situation at this time, even though I know I can't be. I don't wish this inner turmoil on anyone. Whatever disruption has broken your routine in life, I'm sorry. My thoughts and prayers go out to you. I hope at some time, you and I both can look back at these moments of mental and emotional upheaval and see how it has changed us for the better.
P.S.
I've already been asked out. And I honestly don't know how I feel about starting to date again. I haven't been single in a long time. I don't really know how to start. I feel weird now when guys chat me up. Before I just ignored it, was polite and continued with my business. Now, I guess, I have options. Which is a new and slightly terrifying change of pace for me.
Tuesday, December 31, 2013
Monday, December 30, 2013
New Year’s Resolutions for 2014
This year, I’m actually doing a New Year’s list before the year even starts. And I’m super cereal about it too. As a disclaimer, my list is part resolution list and part rest of life list. The future and long term ones will be denoted with an *.
So in no particular order (even though for some reason I numbered them):
1. Sing more in the shower. (When I sing in the shower, it's because I'm very happy. So more singing in the shower equates to more happiness.)
2. Relearn French (I’ve already downloaded several apps for this!)
3. Become more organized, i.e. notebook/sketchbook organization, one for quilting/sewing and one for blog stuff, etc.
4. Create a workout schedule and actually keep it! (I’ve failed this one many times in the past – three months is about when I get lazy and stop)
5. Start an Etsy shop. I’ve had this dream for about two years now and I should really just get on it.
6. Be nicer to my parents. After all they put up with me, and I’m rather moody and emotional at times. And that can’t be easy to put up with.
7. Finish the quilts I start. Or break my habit of starting a quilt getting about half way done or so with the top and then move on to the next quilt. I'd like to, generally, limit it to three quilts in progress at a time.
8. Donate to charities more.
9. Do more volunteer work. Like seriously, more of it. It needs to be done now!
10. Paint more.
11. Cry less. (If you know me personally, you know this will be a major thing for me to overcome.)
12. Learn German. *
13. Learn Sign Language. *
14. Learn to knit or crochet. *
15. Learn how to can. *
16. Be less judgmental of people.
17. Take more pictures.
18. Read my Bible regularly.
20. Actively maintain blog (touche, self)
21. Learn how to play the piano *
22. Start experimenting / learning how to sew / create clothes; design and construction *
23. Contribute to local food drives and charities, actively / annually
24. Start a Charity or Scholarship foundation * (I actually have the names and goals already figured out.. now just to be successful enough to get them started)
25. Read more. (Actual books too! More to come about this.)
26. Become successful in whatever employment direction I end up in. (*)
27. (An over used on, but a good one) Travel more. Even if it's simply to cities and areas near me that I've never been. There's more than a few countries that I'd love to see, but in general I'd love to be traveling and seeing new places.
26. Become successful in whatever employment direction I end up in. (*)
27. (An over used on, but a good one) Travel more. Even if it's simply to cities and areas near me that I've never been. There's more than a few countries that I'd love to see, but in general I'd love to be traveling and seeing new places.
Sunday, December 29, 2013
Morning Trudge around the Forest.
Wearing Dad's boots.
What's left of the big leaf maple leaves.
Alder forest.
To me, this always has looked like an entrance to fortress.
The old tree house, in ruin.
Serenity found in the woods.
And a hopeful selfie to end this thang.
Saturday, December 28, 2013
Starting to deal with a broken heart..
In light of a sudden and traumatic breakup, of which I may or may not go into depth on in a future post, I would like to reflect on the good things that are present in my life. That's right, I feel like my heart has been ripped out of my chest and in attempts to revive it, or more likely, grow a new one... here it goes:
- I am grateful for my parents' strength. Their strength in each other and in dealing with / helping me get through this.
- I'm thankful that I'm getting to know my father more. He's opened up quite a bit in the last few days. (He's been a rock and a giant teddy bear for me.)
- I read a short article on Malala Yousafzai, and I am so grateful for her strength and composer. She is only 16 and has gone through more than I could ever imagine. Her life and how she handles herself is such an inspiration. My troubles are so little compared to hers, I am so thankful.
- I am grateful for the fire place and a full woodshed. It is much warmer here then in Idaho, but I am a lover of the warmth.
- I'm grateful that I'm not crying all day, every day.
- As much as I feel abandoned, by the one person I had at once seen myself spending the rest of my life with.. I'm hoping that there is a strong man out there, somewhere, with a heart of compassion that's waiting for me. I'm grateful that I may yet still find him.
- I'm grateful for my two closest and oldest friends who have been helping me through this.
-I'm grateful for my cat, Boo. I know, kinda weird, but she's a comfort to me. A small mirror of emotions, love and personality. Her fluff and sass light up my daily events.
- I'm grateful for quilts - the warmth, color and texture are a comfort.
- I'm grateful for books - their insight and escape are a great outlet.
- I'm grateful for the much warmer winter weather. Yes, I've come to enjoy the snow, but I have missed the rain quite terribly.
- I'm grateful that I currently don't have a job. I know if I did, my work would probably be suffering because of this.
- I'm grateful for the random meows and purrs from the cats. Their innocents and simplicity delight me.
- I'm grateful that I've been able to sleep at night, even though I've lost my appetite. I know without sleep this would be much worse.
- I'm grateful I'm still young.
- I'm grateful that I still, somewhat, feel like myself.
- I'm grateful I have New Years Eve plans with an old friend.
- I'm grateful this year is almost over and a new fresh start is upon us all.
- I'm grateful for anyone reading this. I hope this gives you encouragement in whatever trails you may be going through.
- I'm thankful for God not abandoning me throughout the course of my life. Only through His strength have I made it this far. And only through it still will I get through this.
- I am grateful for my parents' strength. Their strength in each other and in dealing with / helping me get through this.
- I'm thankful that I'm getting to know my father more. He's opened up quite a bit in the last few days. (He's been a rock and a giant teddy bear for me.)
- I read a short article on Malala Yousafzai, and I am so grateful for her strength and composer. She is only 16 and has gone through more than I could ever imagine. Her life and how she handles herself is such an inspiration. My troubles are so little compared to hers, I am so thankful.
- I am grateful for the fire place and a full woodshed. It is much warmer here then in Idaho, but I am a lover of the warmth.
- I'm grateful that I'm not crying all day, every day.
- As much as I feel abandoned, by the one person I had at once seen myself spending the rest of my life with.. I'm hoping that there is a strong man out there, somewhere, with a heart of compassion that's waiting for me. I'm grateful that I may yet still find him.
- I'm grateful for my two closest and oldest friends who have been helping me through this.
-I'm grateful for my cat, Boo. I know, kinda weird, but she's a comfort to me. A small mirror of emotions, love and personality. Her fluff and sass light up my daily events.
- I'm grateful for quilts - the warmth, color and texture are a comfort.
- I'm grateful for books - their insight and escape are a great outlet.
- I'm grateful for the much warmer winter weather. Yes, I've come to enjoy the snow, but I have missed the rain quite terribly.
- I'm grateful that I currently don't have a job. I know if I did, my work would probably be suffering because of this.
- I'm grateful for the random meows and purrs from the cats. Their innocents and simplicity delight me.
- I'm grateful that I've been able to sleep at night, even though I've lost my appetite. I know without sleep this would be much worse.
- I'm grateful I'm still young.
- I'm grateful that I still, somewhat, feel like myself.
- I'm grateful I have New Years Eve plans with an old friend.
- I'm grateful this year is almost over and a new fresh start is upon us all.
- I'm grateful for anyone reading this. I hope this gives you encouragement in whatever trails you may be going through.
- I'm thankful for God not abandoning me throughout the course of my life. Only through His strength have I made it this far. And only through it still will I get through this.
Friday, December 27, 2013
Who is Boo and why does she love nature?
I realized that I introduced myself a tiny bit and why I had started this blog, but I feel that I left something out...the story behind the name.
I've had the name idea for a blog and such running a muck in my head for some time. Being drawn to the outdoors and its creatures from an early age, I knew that I wanted some how to highlight that in both the title and its content. I played around with "Tree huger" and similar variations but nothing seemed to stand out to me. And then, like she usually does when I'm trying to get something done, my cat Boo interrupted my thoughts with all her fluffiness. That's how the name took form.
I've had the name idea for a blog and such running a muck in my head for some time. Being drawn to the outdoors and its creatures from an early age, I knew that I wanted some how to highlight that in both the title and its content. I played around with "Tree huger" and similar variations but nothing seemed to stand out to me. And then, like she usually does when I'm trying to get something done, my cat Boo interrupted my thoughts with all her fluffiness. That's how the name took form.
She was a malnourished stray when I found her. I fell in love almost immediately and kept her. I really think she adopted me though. She has the most intense personality. She sulks, plays with a vengeance, becomes extremely depressed when I'm away for long periods of time, and always loves to lay on my current project.
See, I try to get sewing done for a friendship quilt and this is what happens.
So now you've been introduced to my little fur ball and partial inspiration. I'm sure she'll be making more appearances in future posts.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Thursday, December 19, 2013
What? You read?
Last night, while out with friends at a local watering hole the topic of reading came up. We were talking about different shows and wanting the next season to come out on Netflix. And my chicka friend said she wanted the newest/ last season of How I Met Your Mother to come on. I've been a HIMYM fan for a long time and even got the boyfriend into the show. My response of "I do too, but I feel slightly hesitant about it." merited question from the boyfriend...
"How come?" he asked.
"I read an article, about how the shows almost been canceled, which I never knew. But it made sense because the seasons do vary in quality, as we've talked about before. Anyways, the article talked about how they drag out the last season, even though they've been dragging it out for a couple seasons now. Which I had assumed they would as the second to last season ends with everyone leaving for the wedding."
To which he replied, "Oh you read. You read articles." in a sarcastic tone. We both do and have done a lot of reading. In particular he likes mostly reading the happenings in the world. I usually make fun of him a little in this regard, so I did have it coming. Just a little bit. (extra points if you know what I just referenced. If not, here is what I'm referencing.)
"Yes, through the last... since 6th grade, school and myself, we've been conditioning myself to read. And read a lot." I said, in a quick confused manner.
I wasn't expecting his come back, it might have been the drinks, but I thought the whole thing was really funny. And it got me thinking about how much people do or don't read now a days. It seems, to me at least, that most people read a lot or read very little. And I used to not read a lot. I remember struggling to learn how to read when I was little. I'm sure the mother would say it was more of a refusal to learn and then a struggle. She's probably right. I was stubborn and didn't want to learn anything new for many years of my early life. To me, I had gotten by without knowing those things so I didn't see why I would need to change. Little did I know that learning math, reading, writing, science and history would be a positive influence on me. Looking back at it now, I really don't understand how I thought this. For a short while, around the age of 5 or 6, I wanted desperately to be a lady astronaut. And yet I refused and struggled with reading. Apparently, I thought astronauts didn't need to know how to read. Good job 5 year old me. Luckily, over time, a very patient and loving mother, and many wonderful teachers, I did learn the various things I struggled with and actually came to like and even love some of them. And the more I read, the more cognitive of my surrounds I feel. I view things differently and perhaps more openly. And sometimes, I wonder if others see things in the light that I do. In my studies of art and architecture, my view on spaces, places and many things have changed and it all has open my eyes dramatically. But definitely not as much as reading has. I wish, on a global level, we read more. I think it would help. And maybe more than just a little bit.
A pretty good video, that I found awhile ago pertains to reading. It's Girls who Read by Mark Grist. I think it's done rather well and gets to why I love reading and why I love people who read. If you haven't seen it here it is.
"How come?" he asked.
"I read an article, about how the shows almost been canceled, which I never knew. But it made sense because the seasons do vary in quality, as we've talked about before. Anyways, the article talked about how they drag out the last season, even though they've been dragging it out for a couple seasons now. Which I had assumed they would as the second to last season ends with everyone leaving for the wedding."
To which he replied, "Oh you read. You read articles." in a sarcastic tone. We both do and have done a lot of reading. In particular he likes mostly reading the happenings in the world. I usually make fun of him a little in this regard, so I did have it coming. Just a little bit. (extra points if you know what I just referenced. If not, here is what I'm referencing.)
"Yes, through the last... since 6th grade, school and myself, we've been conditioning myself to read. And read a lot." I said, in a quick confused manner.
I wasn't expecting his come back, it might have been the drinks, but I thought the whole thing was really funny. And it got me thinking about how much people do or don't read now a days. It seems, to me at least, that most people read a lot or read very little. And I used to not read a lot. I remember struggling to learn how to read when I was little. I'm sure the mother would say it was more of a refusal to learn and then a struggle. She's probably right. I was stubborn and didn't want to learn anything new for many years of my early life. To me, I had gotten by without knowing those things so I didn't see why I would need to change. Little did I know that learning math, reading, writing, science and history would be a positive influence on me. Looking back at it now, I really don't understand how I thought this. For a short while, around the age of 5 or 6, I wanted desperately to be a lady astronaut. And yet I refused and struggled with reading. Apparently, I thought astronauts didn't need to know how to read. Good job 5 year old me. Luckily, over time, a very patient and loving mother, and many wonderful teachers, I did learn the various things I struggled with and actually came to like and even love some of them. And the more I read, the more cognitive of my surrounds I feel. I view things differently and perhaps more openly. And sometimes, I wonder if others see things in the light that I do. In my studies of art and architecture, my view on spaces, places and many things have changed and it all has open my eyes dramatically. But definitely not as much as reading has. I wish, on a global level, we read more. I think it would help. And maybe more than just a little bit.
A pretty good video, that I found awhile ago pertains to reading. It's Girls who Read by Mark Grist. I think it's done rather well and gets to why I love reading and why I love people who read. If you haven't seen it here it is.
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